When The Day Met The Night

At exactly 7 a.m. I decided to go for a walk. Why? I don't know. I felt super trapped and needed to get the hell out of here. It's freezing outside and it was actually really nice. I took Max with me. He was excited.

Sometimes I miss being a kid. Like a little kid. When going for a walk was just fun, not a way to prevent depression. When I left, everything outside was white. It doesn't snow here, so frost is about as close as we get. I was really happy to see all the white, because it reminded me of New York. I have a lot of really good memories of New York. If you ask me, I'll tell you it sucks and I hate it. Which is true, but I still have good times from back when. Josh and I, the last time I say snow, were standing outside in the bright snow, in shorts and tank-tops, laughing and hacing a good time. Converse are not made for snow, by the way. Or icy hills for that matter. Why were we so under-dressed? Well, on the drive up there, Dad had the heat on so damn high that we were pretty much dragging Florida in mid-summer up there with us. It was fucking hot. So we dressed down and didn't bother to cover when we got into the snow, because the cold felt really good after 18 hours of way-too-damn-hot.

I have a lot of random memories of us being outside, stuff that normal people would be like "Wow that's super boring." But to me it was so much fun and it was some of the best times I've ever had. So why did I stop going outside? Why don't I go for walks anymore? I never even go on my porch now. I'm starting to get my insomnia back, and it sucks ass. So if I go run around outside, my body is just not use to that much movement nad I get super exhausted super fast and pass out for an hour or two when I gt home. Nice, huh? Yeah. But where do I go when I go for walks? From my house, to Grandma's. Only no one's there now. And I can't stop there, I just turn around and head home now. Kind of defeats the purpose of the whole, to stop depression thing.

The whole point of my walk this morning was because I was getting really depressed thinking about..well you can probably guess, so whatever. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I don't want to be home. I'm tired from running with Max out in the huge open field behind Gram's house, I'm cold, I hurt my foot, and I'm going back outside. I just want to keep walking. I'm already back in my PJ's, but I'm going back outside and I'm going to just wonder around until the sun reminds me what being relaxed and happy feels like. It's super cold, the "Florida snow" is gone, I'll run into weird morning people (I hate morning people), I probably won't feel better when I get home, but I'll be tired and in wnough pain to just pass out. Sounds shitty, right? Actually...it sounds fantastic. So I'll leave with this:

Sometimes, I need a reminder what's it's like to go play outside. And regret all those times I told Josh I didn't want to play Hockey.

Let's go for a walk, freeze our ass off, and sing Fall Out Boy way too loud. (I didn't spell check this shit.)