Even The Cold Air Can't Bring Me Back

It's starting to freeze outside
All the summer heat has steamed away
The clouds roll in, the heaters kick on
You'll pull out every sweater you own
But I won't be home

Cookies are to be made, the trees set up
Holiday lights, parades, cheers
Family members all gather, just this once
But I won't be there

This year, when the moon shines with chilling winds
I'm going for a long walk, just me
I don't know when I'll be back, but you'll do fine without me
Yearly routines will run just as smoothly
But it's not right anymore

You remember the time when you found out
That Santa Claus wasn't real after all
And all the magic of that month
Vanished like a snowflake in the wind
I felt it again

I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm just not there anymore
I'll keep away and let you have your day
And be excited to hear all about it
All the laughs, all the gifts, all the lights
But I'll just sit this one out

I lost my magic, my spirit is wounded
The red and green are just pigments to me
Though the cool air calms me, brings me back to better days
It's just not the same, I'll spend it alone
Because no matter how hard I try
I can still feel it inside
I just have no reason to hide
That my Christmas
Has died
But I'm okay
Just not today

Three AM

The clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days. I just stare intently, because if I take a second to look away, another year flashes past me. I remember the days when I worried not the time, the year, I could walk beside it. But now I just can't keep up. If I watch closely, the clock will never move, and I can sit here next to you. Seems like we both play this waiting game.

Your eyes tell me a different story. Where there used to be lines and lines of days well spent, i see a vacancy. I see a lost child trying to find her way home. The streets you used to walk so proudly down you now rest upon a bench.
Waiting.
I don't know what you're waiting for, but I fear I may lose you. If I don't follow close, you'll wander away. just like the day. Maybe it's me. Maybe I just can't keep up with anything anymore. I'm just...
Tired.
Worn thin. I shouldn't be. And all I ever wanted was to be set free, but I think if you opened the cage, I would just sink into the ground and rot away. Like a rose in the dead of winter, I never stood a chance.

As I watch you waiting, I wonder what you're thinking. When all along, I've always known. I wish I could carry you to a place where you can smile again, but those wings I'm just not ready to give you yet.
Please stay a little longer. We don't have to talk, just let me sit beside you. For just a little while longer.

Frozen Creek Makes Me Think Of You

Upon a pebble driveway
There sits a house
And it’s the loneliest place
I haven't spent much time there,
It wasn't allowed,
It just didn't feel right

‘Cause it’s all built upon a burial ground,
It just doesn't feel right,
It just doesn’t feel right

On top the frozen creek,
I would love to take you there
And swear it flows through me
On top the frozen creek

If I open both of my eyes,
I still see an empty space, so empty
But if I keep them closed
Then there's still a chance that something is out there

‘Cause it’s all built upon a burial ground,
It just doesn't feel right
It just doesn’t feel right

On top the frozen creek,
I would love to take you there
And swear it flows through me
On top the frozen creek

I made a promise to you long ago
I’d do the best that I can
I’d try and keep it
I made a promise to you long ago
That I’d do anything to keep this home

On top the frozen creek,
I would love to take you there
And swear it flows through me
On top of the frozen creek

I would love to take you there

(not written by me, it's a song. I miss you Grammy.)

We Run Out Of Things To Say

It's been a long year, and we sit in silence. I dream of what the years to come will bring me, but for now, we watch the sky in our world. It's like by this time, we just don't have anything to say anymore. The stories tend to run shorter, the days more relaxed. Time for sleep is now. The year brought rough waters, treading through the rain, mud-slick roads, tripping along the way. Many times never even wanting to get off the bottom. Always seems like you had barely enough to breathe.
Now, as we lay together, we are alone. Hold tight to the stars above us. There's nothing left to sing. The music stops, leaving time to reflect. The winter nights bring an odd sense of peace to the world. We wonder all the things that went wrong, they don't matter anymore. When it seemed so stressful, damaged, I pick up the pieces of my puzzle and begin to place them, one by one, back to where they should be. I may have lost a few on the way, but I can manage without a corner piece. The puzzle still shines it's own beauty.
Dust the books off, and remember. Remember all the reason you took that rocky road. All the reasons it was worth falling apart. With eyes wide, you can see the blue of the sky. Where was it hiding? Maybe you just didn't look hard enough before. Maybe this time around, you'll remember to look up and realize you're not the only one with a broken heart. Remember to smile, instead of hiding so much.

There was a girl I knew. She never knew the blackest days. She chose to leave them behind for a better way. She took her broken clock and set it to a time where the sun was always shining. Even in the rain, she always knew where to find the warmth. She had a light that never dimmed. In the darkest hour, I could feel she still kept that time when she knew it would turn out ok. And in the end....it kind of did. Never had a reason to shout, except for in joy. Never had a reason to cry, she left those tears. Back in the years she spent in solitude, lost and confused.
Now that it's time to reflect, maybe this time....it's time to leave the dead, cold nights to my memories. And learn how to set my heart free. I'll always have a dark side. But that dark side smiles just as bright as the moon, know that, honestly
It'll all be ok. No matter how many times you fall. If you get back up, you always have a chance to shine again.
Let's keep it quiet for now. Enjoy the end of one chapter. Just remember not to forget,
This time...
Sing it like you mean it.

A Twisted Noise

Just bodies. And all I see are zombies. Dead, empty souls, walking around me. None of them have a light to spare. But they all have a spark. Something that keeps me close, interested in their life. Yet, they're not alive. Just a walking waste of time.
With too much time to spare, we don't have enough to explain it all. Just give me a short response, like on a middle school essay. A swift reason way, you don't sleep at night. You cover up the sky, you refuse to be behind. In the distance, you'll realize, you were left behind a long time ago. Alone in a crowded room, packed with the lost days of everyone, you'll cry alone. It's kind of funny how we all cry with you, yet you'll never notice. Why?
You're a dead, vacant soul.Cursed to pretend that you own the warmth of a human being. But you should know, none of us seem to have a soul anymore. I don't know where they go. Maybe there's a place, just outside of Texas, where no one knows, no one goes, where the souls of all the world's children run and hide from the woes.
Let's keep it simple. In my eyes, it's all like a piano. With a little help, some of the notes seem to ring in harmony for hours, even days. But once left alone for too long, they'll never sound the same. Twisted, aching noise, no longer worthy of an ear. And you'll just let it fade. It's been a long hard day, it's time to rest. And once again, that light will be forgotten.

We all want to be remembered. In trying so hard, we make ourselves so forgettable. Almost desperate. Borderline reject. I'm still waiting. I have been for most of my life. Waiting for the sun to rise and spill rays of light into this black tunnel. Waiting for the day, when we can pull that cloud back and see how beautiful the sky has been. And how selfish we have been, to hide such a light, just so we could shine a little more.
Instead of worrying if the zombies around us are listening, maybe we should just let ourselves ring, loud and beautiful. Someone with a heart will hear you, and from then on...
You'll never be alone.
But that's just a theory.

Once Apon A Day

You're having a relapse. And I feel this time you will not let me save you. Truth is, I don't have the heart to do it anymore. If you're willing to drop me like an old picture, just to play in the past that destroyed you, I guess this is our farewell. I wasn't in your life back then, for a reason. Life knew. It's time to move forward and you're only running back to what killed your light the first time. I can't help you, I can't hold you, if you're in a place where I don't exist.
I'll be here, if you're willing to come back. But for this moment, you refuse to live in the now. You strive in the then. But don't you remember? It was then that everything crashed, burned to the ground. Why bring it back to life....to watch it burn again?
I'm afraid this time, you're pushing me too far away. I can't feel you anymore, I can't hear your voice anymore. You're running from me, and I'm not one to chase. If you wish to run, I'll let you be. Just know that there was a reason I wasn't in your life then
If you bring that time back
Why would I be in it now?
You're breaking me heart, but I'll let you be. Maybe someday you'll remember me.

A Different Road

It's all that's really real. Only the theories, but they can't make it alone. It's easier to give it all away, quit for another day. But where does that end? Where does real life begin? When you open your eyes when there's nowhere else to go. You'll know. You have to open up to shutting down to know when to reboot. No one is going to smile for you, not this time. It's goodbye and no one's here for the farewell party. Say goodnight, pack your tears, stack your fears, walk away. Nothing can ever stay the same. Always wanting more. Try a different road. I know. I'm scared too.

Two Days

It's been two days. Since she walked away. Without another sound, she turned away. In my dreams, I see her face, I see all the things I've missed, the things I'll never take back. She deserves this.
She broke my mind, shattered on the bathroom floor I watch them shine in the moon light. Like tiny little daggers, swimming in an ocean of greed and envy. I'm a selfish soul. I'll admit it to anyone. I'm always looking for a way to make myself smile. But the truth is...
These pieces on the floor, they burn a hole in my heart, showing me that all I really loved was watching her smile. Watching her laugh. Now she's gone, a empty walking soul stuck on this earth. Everyone around us seems to think she's still here, but I know. I watched her walk away. Leave the night to the heartbroken and lonely. Now she lives among the shadows, hidden in the moon, and I'd give anything to hold her again.
How selfish I must be. To bring her back to this Hell just for me to smile again? For me to love again? I couldn't. Not even I am that cruel. She deserves this. To never worry again, to never cry again, I can feel her in the wind.
With my tattered heart and shattered mind, I'll smile to the sky and never forget who brought me to my knees. Only you could. Only I know.
It's been two days.
Since you walked away.
I'll never love the same, but I'll smile for you. The way you did for me.
Love was over-rated anyway.

This Place Is A Bloodbath

Face covered in blood, I watched as she moved. She was slow, haunting strides that seemed to sing a shallow tune. Her eyes kept well hidden beneath her hair, beneath her breath. She's just like the rest of us. Searching for a face, arms to hold her tight. But not a soul will touch her, not in this light. The spotlight is singing, there's no where else to run. Torn and bleeding, her time with us is done. It's a waste. She was a pretty face. A well-known name. The sky seemed to praise her every day. She smiled, she wore strength on her sleeve. Yet now she's broken down, all her dreams quietly pooling at her knees. She can't walk, she can't scream, she won't cry, barely weeps. And as I stare I wonder where she thought she'd end up tonight. Clearly not the center of attention as the clock finally hits midnight.
It was all a game. It was all just for fun. But no one is laughing now. No one cares enough to even speak. But what would you say to her? "It's going to be okay"? Not even God could promise her, her fate wasn't in vein.
I twisted my arms around her, heard the gasps as if I held a demon. I felt her curl into me, felt her last, aching breaths against me. And with a final fight to kill a breakdown, I whispered back;
I love you too.

Faith Makes Everybody Scared

You see, I know you don't know. But it keeps you hanging on. A mystery you'll never figure out. Because if you had nothing to search for....what do you have?
While you search for the light, I search for what matters. In the spaces between, where it seems nothing matters. Call it a lost cause, but I could say the same to you. It easy to see the when the light blinds half of what's there. You' ll never have to worry. But you'll find me with my sunglasses, settled calmly upon my nose, to keep what obvious from blocking what's underneath. I keep my eyes down, but not for the reasons you think. I'm searching, just like you. The only difference; I don;t believe what I can't feel. I can't take your word, as I would expect you to not take mine. Look for yourself.
But in that same sense, I can't spend my days looking to the sky and wishing on the clouds for a better place. Because it's here, you just have to look for it. If it's not hard to work for, it's not something I'll waste me time on. If you never give me a reason to want to punch you, you never gave me a reason to believe you care.
A strange thought process, maybe, but it works for me. IN those tiny shadows, the crying faces, I can find the brightest souls, the warmest hearts, they're just scared of what you'll gun will say if they open up to shine. Because the light they hold, if a light the sky will never know.

Why do I think this? I pay attention. To your voice, to your smiles, to your tears and screams, I hear your soul. If you're smiling all the time, you've got something to hide. Let it out. Are you afraid that some thousand-year-old biblical being won't like what you have to give? Take a chance. But, Faith makes everybody scared. I know there's no need to run. But there's a lot of silent cries in the night I can feel of the captured and scared that just don't know anymore. If I could hold your hand, hold you breath in my mind, you'll see what means the most to me. True happiness. A love that all you need is a glance, an embrace, something you can feel.

Maybe this is all just a ramble, non-sense, but it's where I find my life. I watch the way we all live, I smile at the hearts that make people cry, I scream at those who use others pain to make their ego grow, but then again.....
We all use others pain to help ourselves. Faith
Makes everybody
....lost.