Important Message

Forgive me I'm trying to find my calling, I'm calling at night. I don't mean to be a bother, but have you see this girl? She's been running though my dreams. And it's driving me crazy it seems. Gonna ask her to marry me.

Have you..

ever thought about someone so much that sometimes you forget to breathe? Everything else seems so boring, so black and white, plain, still? Just that one person. That's all you need. That's all you'll ever need, that's all you want. Bottom line:

I love you so much that I can't think of a way to tell you just how much. I can't explain how fantastic you make me feel. But I wish I could. It honestly hurts that I can't share those feeling with you. I want to.


Every second I'm without you I'm a mess...

I Think Karma Is Building Credit

'Cause life is never just kinda shitty. It's either really good, or super shitty.
Apparently in all my past lives, I was a total bitch. i bet I was that chick who was married to Hitler...Technically she didn't really do anything, but I think just being married to the guy gives you bad cred.
Also, everyone in my family must have been assholes. 'Cause none of us ever did anything THAT bad (except maybe Josh) yet still, rock bottom keeps getting lower. I remember when I first thought "Yeah, this is rock bottom." and now, I'm like 30 floors below that.
Mum is hella sick, I have no idea what's wrong with her but she's so dizzy she can't even move, let alone stand or walk. Dad had to help her shower. And my uncle had to get rushed to the ER 'cause he couldn't breathe. Now he has heart failure, but his heart is super weak already, so I don't know what's going to happen.
In one day I went from, "Today's not so bad." to "I swear I'll lose my fucking mind if someone else I love dies right now." Panic attacks at their best/worst.
I don't know what to do. So I'm blogging, even though no one reads this but Crystal. I love you Crystal, and you mean the world to me. You have my heart, my soul, my mind, my everything. I'm sorry I'm not as good to you as I should be. As I want to be. But I do love you, more than you could ever know.


Josh and Joanna finally broke up. He's moving out soon and getting his own place. I'm really happy for him, but I hope he actually goes through with it and she doesn't find some way to sucker him back into being a miserable wreck/jerk. He admitted to us that he knows she's been cheating on him, even though she didn't actually tell him and he didn't technically catch her in the act. But they haven't been a "couple" in so long and she's been chillin' with this guy SO much, that he just knows. I don't want to say I told you so, but....mum told you so. Love can be blind though.

I realized that I never have "crushes". And I never even try to get in a relationship with a guy I might think is really cool or totally my type. Finally figured out why. I'm absolutely terrified of men. Like a lot. I always knew I was, but not so much that it keeps me from getting close to someone. But it really is just that. I'm fine with meeting a guy, and being good friends, but if it starts getting anywhere farther, I freak out and run away. Literally. Like this kid Kris, who I had a crush on for years, he's so sweet and he's really amazing to me. One of my only really TRUE friends, and I almost started dating him. But I freaked out and now I never even hang out with him, even though I really want to. But just as friends. What if he wants to be more than friends? That scares me and I don't want to do it. I've got some issues...and I wish they would go away.
On the other hand, there's this girl. And I love her. And instead of thinking about going farther then friends and freaking out, I think about it and I'm totally ok. More thank ok.
Is that bad?

I don't know. This is really pointless. I'm home alone, never have anyone to talk to, I'm super paranoid, and I want to go home. I don't know where that is but it's not here. I just wanted to talk to someone, even if it's just myself.
Also, to add to my emotional tumble I'm having, I can't help but feel like I'm going to die soon...it's really scary.
So...now what do I do? Any advise would be amazing.

What If I Could Go To Sleep For Days?

It would be amazing. I don't know exactly why, but I keep getting super depressed....it sucks ass. All I want to do is lay in bed. And now I can't even do that because the fucking rats made it into my room and were crawling all over my pillow. Yeah, I'm all for animal rights, but I hope the little fuckers die. Soon. They're taking over my life and destroying all of my shit. I'm pissed, I'm tired, I can't call OR text Crystal, nothing.....well, I don't really know where the hell this is supossed to be going, so whatever. I'm done. Fuck life, man. Fuck it. I'm going to lay in the spare room with Max...

Did you ever just want to sleep for a few weeks? I think I'm over medicated. =-(

I'm telling you...Shit is Fucked Up

So, I've decided, that if there is a "God", he/she hates good people. And loves heartless idiots. Been spending this whole week trying to take care of mum, she can't afford to go to a doctor, her throat hurts so bad she can't eat or drink, but even though she's in so much pain, she STILL went up to Grandpa's and helped him paint his deck AND helped him put together his new lawn furniture. Now she can't even move because her legs and back are killing her. She's probably the most giving person I know and she has the worst luck that I've ever seen.

Yet, Joanna has it MADE right now. I'm not going to rant off about her, I'm tired, shitty mood, and this typing is probably bugging mum who finally fell asleep. I hope she stays asleep.

Dad's out drinking with Uncle Dave. Josh and Jo are out drinking who knows where. They're all feeling pretty damn good right about now. I don't know. I'm done. I have a fucking headache...

I want my texting back...

Sometimes I Think Too Much

This is not a game
This is not my life
I’m not alone
I can’t be anymore
I just want to breathe
Without the blood here to drown me
This is not my heart
These are not my eyes
Though they scream your name
They’re all full of lies
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know who I’m not
But I know who I want to be
I want to be me
I want to smile and mean it
I want to love me
Even when she’s not around
It’s not a game
And yet I still can’t seem to win

Cobra Style

Jalaissa and I doing Fangs Up. =-] She's also wearing my sunglasses. This picture makes me smile. Even though I look SUPER dorky. Lol Love it!