Let's (Paint) Jam

This video blows my mind...'Nough said. It's long, but it's worth it!

The Flying Dutchmen

I went to a Flying Dutchmen show on Sunday and it was by far the MOST amazing time I've ever had at a show. Sad to say it, but they were better than Borealis. It was great. =-] I actually already knew their lead singer, Jon, him and I met when I first started Hells First Angels, he had just started The Flying Dutchmen. I talk to him all the time, but they never played anywhere close enough for me to go. So this was my first time seeing them live. They kicked so much ass it was crazy. I stood right up against the stage, and he sang like right to me more than once and it was super exciting! And he even talked to me between one of their songs when he asked who was seeing them for the first time. He said "Dixie!" And high-fived me. It was super cool.

I hung out with them the whole night. And with Jon's amazing girlfriend. She's SO sweet. She invited me to come hang out with them and have like a barbecue and just chill. Which would be amazing and I'm super SUPER excited about it. They're all so much fun to hang out with. And their live shows are just...fucking amazing. I got them to sign this plastic cup that Jon destroyed during the show. =-] When they get super famous, it'll be worth a million dollars. But I won't sell it. TAKE THAT FANGIRLS!

Random part of the night, Shawn(guitarist) had an iPhone, so I was watching play this game called Jelly Cars? I think that's the name, but it was super funny and he was getting really pissed at it. Then we talked about video games and watched the new trailer for Final Fantasy: Advent Children Complete and it's safe to say that we're both really...really stoked for that movie! Woo!

(Okay, Crystal, I'm done with video games now.)

So pretty much that show was like...my Fall Out Boy show. =-] It was so fucking cool. And so much fun. I can't wait to see them again! I also got a bangin' t-shirt AND a demo CD. ^^

Go check them out if you like screamo! www.myspace.com/flyingdutchmenfl

P.S. Jon is the best hugger EVER. I hugged him like...a million times. And he said he liked my rainbow bracelets so I gave him one that he wore during their set, and he lost it and was super sad, so I gave him another one. =-] Makes me happy he liked them!

These Boots Were Made..

For me to own! I want them super bad. I love 'em. They are amazing. =-] I saw them on DeviantART and I basicly want to wear them all the time. I have nothing important to blog about, I just really like these shoes. =-] Oh hell yes.

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

I went from not remembering a thing, to my brain is trying to remember EVERYTHING at the same time. I don't think I could handle that. Luckily, my mind can't sort them out, so it's just a mess of things I can't quite make out. So I still don't remember a thing. And I guess that's okay?

I was talking with my friend Britt this weekend, her grandpa died kind of the same way my Gram did, and we were talking about how hard it was, all the feelings, anger, fear, false hope, all that good stuff. Her Grandpa passed away about five years ago, and while I was reading this poem she wrote for him, I realized that it's not going to get better. Everyone says it does, but just at that moment when I was trying so hard not to cry while reading that poem, thinking I was just being a baby, I looked up and saw that she was just as close to breaking down as I was. Five years. She was telling me how her and her mum were watching these home videos, and she said it was all good until one of them, she saw her grandpa come into the shot and she just ran out of her room and cried for like 20 minutes. She said she just couldn't do it. Could I? I got to thinking...

I want SO bad to remember the things about my grandma that made me love her so much and made her so special, but maybe I'm just not ready to see her. Knowing that I can't have her back. Maybe it's my own fault that I can't remember all those things. My subcontious knows I can't handle it.

Is it so bad that mum and I just aren't ready to forget her yet? I don't want to let her go. Yeah, she's gone, I know that. But that doesn't mean she has to disappear forever. I can still hold onto what she's left behind, right? That's not bad...is it? I mean, Grandpa is just ready to GO. You walk in my grandma's house and almost everything that was hers is just gone. Most of it being down at my house now, because he wanted to sell the shit in a fucking yard sale. I'm sorry if I'm out of line, but those are my memories, my mothers memories, I'm not going to let someone sell them. I know, technically, it's his stuff now, but fuck that. I don't want to forget her. I want to have her with my forever. In some way..any way. You're right, Angie, I'm NOT ready to let her go. Not like that anyway. And if you think I should be over it by now, you're the one who's got the issues.

I feel guilty for how I'm reacting to this. Am I not supposed to want to hold onto her? Am I supposed to just be done with it and move along like nothing happened? 'Cause I can't do it. They can, everyone else can, but mum and I can't. Is something wrong with us? I feel like I'm getting more lost then anything..

On a seperate note; fuck church. I don't care how horrible that may be, but I just don't feel that shit right now. God and I have this beef, and we're not on speaking terms...he started it. I'm supposed to go to church this sunday, on my birthday, with Jalaissa, but I don't know....I'm one step away from going off on that preacher, and then I'll feel bad. Because the other people at Jalaissa's church are super nice. I don't know what to do anymore.

I love you Crystal, and I'm here for you through this whole thing. There's nothing I can do, but I'm here for you. No matter what time, just call. If you need me, I'll be there. I love you.

When The Day Met The Night

At exactly 7 a.m. I decided to go for a walk. Why? I don't know. I felt super trapped and needed to get the hell out of here. It's freezing outside and it was actually really nice. I took Max with me. He was excited.

Sometimes I miss being a kid. Like a little kid. When going for a walk was just fun, not a way to prevent depression. When I left, everything outside was white. It doesn't snow here, so frost is about as close as we get. I was really happy to see all the white, because it reminded me of New York. I have a lot of really good memories of New York. If you ask me, I'll tell you it sucks and I hate it. Which is true, but I still have good times from back when. Josh and I, the last time I say snow, were standing outside in the bright snow, in shorts and tank-tops, laughing and hacing a good time. Converse are not made for snow, by the way. Or icy hills for that matter. Why were we so under-dressed? Well, on the drive up there, Dad had the heat on so damn high that we were pretty much dragging Florida in mid-summer up there with us. It was fucking hot. So we dressed down and didn't bother to cover when we got into the snow, because the cold felt really good after 18 hours of way-too-damn-hot.

I have a lot of random memories of us being outside, stuff that normal people would be like "Wow that's super boring." But to me it was so much fun and it was some of the best times I've ever had. So why did I stop going outside? Why don't I go for walks anymore? I never even go on my porch now. I'm starting to get my insomnia back, and it sucks ass. So if I go run around outside, my body is just not use to that much movement nad I get super exhausted super fast and pass out for an hour or two when I gt home. Nice, huh? Yeah. But where do I go when I go for walks? From my house, to Grandma's. Only no one's there now. And I can't stop there, I just turn around and head home now. Kind of defeats the purpose of the whole, to stop depression thing.

The whole point of my walk this morning was because I was getting really depressed thinking about..well you can probably guess, so whatever. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I don't want to be home. I'm tired from running with Max out in the huge open field behind Gram's house, I'm cold, I hurt my foot, and I'm going back outside. I just want to keep walking. I'm already back in my PJ's, but I'm going back outside and I'm going to just wonder around until the sun reminds me what being relaxed and happy feels like. It's super cold, the "Florida snow" is gone, I'll run into weird morning people (I hate morning people), I probably won't feel better when I get home, but I'll be tired and in wnough pain to just pass out. Sounds shitty, right? Actually...it sounds fantastic. So I'll leave with this:

Sometimes, I need a reminder what's it's like to go play outside. And regret all those times I told Josh I didn't want to play Hockey.

Let's go for a walk, freeze our ass off, and sing Fall Out Boy way too loud. (I didn't spell check this shit.)