Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

I went from not remembering a thing, to my brain is trying to remember EVERYTHING at the same time. I don't think I could handle that. Luckily, my mind can't sort them out, so it's just a mess of things I can't quite make out. So I still don't remember a thing. And I guess that's okay?

I was talking with my friend Britt this weekend, her grandpa died kind of the same way my Gram did, and we were talking about how hard it was, all the feelings, anger, fear, false hope, all that good stuff. Her Grandpa passed away about five years ago, and while I was reading this poem she wrote for him, I realized that it's not going to get better. Everyone says it does, but just at that moment when I was trying so hard not to cry while reading that poem, thinking I was just being a baby, I looked up and saw that she was just as close to breaking down as I was. Five years. She was telling me how her and her mum were watching these home videos, and she said it was all good until one of them, she saw her grandpa come into the shot and she just ran out of her room and cried for like 20 minutes. She said she just couldn't do it. Could I? I got to thinking...

I want SO bad to remember the things about my grandma that made me love her so much and made her so special, but maybe I'm just not ready to see her. Knowing that I can't have her back. Maybe it's my own fault that I can't remember all those things. My subcontious knows I can't handle it.

Is it so bad that mum and I just aren't ready to forget her yet? I don't want to let her go. Yeah, she's gone, I know that. But that doesn't mean she has to disappear forever. I can still hold onto what she's left behind, right? That's not bad...is it? I mean, Grandpa is just ready to GO. You walk in my grandma's house and almost everything that was hers is just gone. Most of it being down at my house now, because he wanted to sell the shit in a fucking yard sale. I'm sorry if I'm out of line, but those are my memories, my mothers memories, I'm not going to let someone sell them. I know, technically, it's his stuff now, but fuck that. I don't want to forget her. I want to have her with my forever. In some way..any way. You're right, Angie, I'm NOT ready to let her go. Not like that anyway. And if you think I should be over it by now, you're the one who's got the issues.

I feel guilty for how I'm reacting to this. Am I not supposed to want to hold onto her? Am I supposed to just be done with it and move along like nothing happened? 'Cause I can't do it. They can, everyone else can, but mum and I can't. Is something wrong with us? I feel like I'm getting more lost then anything..

On a seperate note; fuck church. I don't care how horrible that may be, but I just don't feel that shit right now. God and I have this beef, and we're not on speaking terms...he started it. I'm supposed to go to church this sunday, on my birthday, with Jalaissa, but I don't know....I'm one step away from going off on that preacher, and then I'll feel bad. Because the other people at Jalaissa's church are super nice. I don't know what to do anymore.

I love you Crystal, and I'm here for you through this whole thing. There's nothing I can do, but I'm here for you. No matter what time, just call. If you need me, I'll be there. I love you.