You Will Find Me In The World Of Yesterday

I get in these moods. Where everything just seems so black. Don't get me wrong, I like black, it's the only thing I wear. But.."I want it so bad I'd shoot the sunshine into my veins." I crave the sun, but I can't get out of bed.

People always have memories, whether they are good or bad or even ones you really don't want to remember at all. But lately, I don't remember anything. As I'm sure people are probably sick of me being in a slump over my Grandma, but truth be told: I was a lot closer to her than you think. I mean, I've been helping to take care of her for 7 years. And before that, I spent almost everyday at her house. And spent the night almost every weekend with her when I was little. It always seemed like she'd fully pull through, no matter what the doctors told us. Like it was going to turn out fine. She was a fighter. Always. Stronger than I'll ever be. And I should have seen this coming but I didn't. It happened too fast. They told us that we'd know when the end was coming, but we didn't. It was like, one day, she's doing great, next day, she's in fucking Hospice. (Side note; Hospice was really amazing to us and to Grams, so I have nothing bad to say about them at all.)

The only memories I have start at the very moment mum called to tell me that they were taking her to Hospice. I was home alone, trying to cook dinner for my dad, and I had the worst emotional breakdown of my life. But I still didn't believe it. Then I called to talk to mum a few days later and I got to talk to Grams. It was heartbreaking and I balled like a fucking baby. Hardest I ever cried...ever. But I did get an opportunity that not a lot of people get. I did get to say goodbye (I did NOT say "goodbye". I told her I loved her...that was enough.) and I did get to tell her I loved her one last time. But still....a little bit longer and I'd be fine. (Truth be told, I'm lying.) But I got to thinking. What's worse? Not getting to say goodbye, or watching them slowly die everyday? They both have downs and ups...well, I wouldn't call them "ups", but you get my point. But really, this is not why I meant to post this. This is just my last memory before my mental inbox goes blank.

My point? I have a question. You see, I can't remember my Grandma. At all. Just when she was in Hospice, which really...that wasn't her. I either feel as if it's been a long, long time since she's been gone, or that she was never even there. Anyone else that has lost someone close feel this? Or am I just insane? I want to remember. I want to smile and think about the good times. I know there was so many, but I just cannot remember them. None of them. The last good memory I have was watching a movie with her and sharing a tuna sandwich with her while mum baked cookies. (which ended up being the best chocolate chip cookies I ever tasted in my life.) Why can I remember those cookies so damn well, but I don't remember what Gram thought of the cookies, what we talked about that day, what we talked about at all. But those cookies were fuckin' delicious. Am I a bad person? I want to remember more than those cookies....but it won't come to me. It's like she was only a dream. One of those dreams you know was great, but as soon as you woke up, you forgot the whole thing. I sit around everyday, and do nothing. Up side? My insomnia is taking a break. I guess not sleeping most of last year finally caught up to me. I NEVER can sleep. (Do to some issues I have..long story.) But now I sleep fine. And I really don't dream that much...except for that Brendon and Ryan dream, which was awesome.

I'm going to end this before my heart explodes. One last tid-bit? I sang that Good Charlotte song Thank You Mom to Gram when I got to sit with her alone.

You know, I say I'd love just one more day with her, but I wouldn't. Because I would still miss her just as much, I'd still hurt when she left just as much, no matter how much longer I had with her, and how selfish am I to want her to live in such pain and torture just so I can have her? She did her part....but I can't help but feel like...

(I didn't believe it until...well, I still don't.)