Reinvent LOVE

Don't You Ever Feel Scared?

2011-12-01T18:44:00.000-08:00

You're not the same person I used to know.
You're different, something's wrong with you.
Why did you have to change so much? I miss the REAL you."
I'm not the same, because it's been ten years. A lot happens in ten years. Although, to me, nothing's changed. I'm still in the exact same place, same spot, same life, same troubles. Same sorrow. But I also notice all the differences, all the things that change around me. Like a slow motion action scene in a movie; pure insanity that could only be understood if you slow it down for a second. But I don't understand.
Why are you so different?
Don't you ever feel lonely? Scared? Lost? Or are you always happy, always know exactly what to do and where to go? I envy you, if you do. But in my loneliness I found salvation. Within the moonlight. Only I can know, or see. I talk to the stars and we share stories. Tales of lives we watch as they wonder passed. Will I ever be a story? An ocean of tales, rumors, gossip, and the occasional truth?
I'd have to leave to be anything but nothing.
You used to smile.
That was when I didn't know you. Not I do. And I'll only leave.

But in the end...we're all just a story someone else told.

In Another Life

2011-11-14T21:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I lay awake in the cold of the night, thinking of you. Not that I miss you, not I'm crying over you. I just begin to wonder. Forever my heart will be ina thousand lost pieces, too small to pick up and place back. The tragedy was you. But still...
I love you dearly.

In another life, a different time, we took that leap of faith and love. I ran away with you. We walk the beach at night, watching the stars fall around us, breathing in the oceans voice. We kiss at every moment, I hold your hand within mine, and never let go. I wake up, walk to the kitchen in your shirt, make my coffee and wake you with a gentle kiss. We share our morning grumbles and kiss in the shower, afraid that soon we will part for the next few hours. Our life is perfect. For an ordinary girl.
Yet, I never was, and neverwill be...ordinary.
I wake alone.I shy away from the sun at time. I curse the blessed life of love and complacency. I strive to be heard, and someday, soon, the whole world shall hear my voice, feel my pain, cry in happiness with me. I strive to be heard, when really...
I WANT to be loved.
In another life, I made you mine. But here, I'll whisper to your ghost and be on my way.

A Distant Cage

2011-10-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in this twisted metal cage, I've made it myself. The promises I always make, yet I'm always the let down. Lost. Yet, I never move. I've been standing here for years, no where near where I should be. The past isn't even a faded memory, but a story that I don't quite remember.
I'm just as scared as you, just as scarred as him. I've been falling, slowly, but for a long ways.
I painted these metal walls to match your eyes. They sing with your voice, but I can't understand what you're saying anymore. I can see you speaking, but all I hear is your lack of a heart beat. Remember when we used to shine? Or was I dreaming?

A dream is just the true story, embellished with details to make it more worthy. I've been believing those stories were really; memories? But they're just thoughts of what used to be, made to sound like what I used to want. I don't really know where that's supposed to lead. But so far, this dead end goes on forever.
I may be nothing more that the ghost of a girl, just a broken soul, but I'm as real as it gets. If you see my tears, I'm hurt. If you see me smile...
Well then I guess it was worth it. As much as I'd like to say I've learned a lot, I really haven't. I just learned the truth to a bed of lies in which I've been laying my whole life. As much as I want to believe that I belong here, I can't seem to explain what I'm doing here.

So I'll sit, perched upon piano keys, their melody will tell someone, someday, my true story, no embellishments, no lies, just
ME.
Perch inside my little cage I've grown quite fond of. But someday...
I'd like to know what it's like to fly. Instead of always falling.

A Freak or Just the Truth

2011-09-27T05:49:00.000-07:00

It's a long way away, but I'm starting to slow down. Need a push, a voice, or even a touch, to make it passed. I spend a lot of the day watching the faces of all the puppets, dancing on their strings until they break. They lie motionless on the grass. But no one pays any mind to the fallen. Just kept on going. Where as I stop and stare, maybe even shed a tear. I wish them a long goodbye. Then I'm on my way. I spend the nights watching the stars as the fly across the sky. They say you make a wish when you see one fall, but I can only frown, give a moment of silence, as I see the other stars mourn their fallen friend.

I'll stay silent for a while. Because I'm just tired of screaming. Too tired to sleep, even. Just watching. Waiting. For what, I'm still not sure.

It seems my steps are so much more slow then those around me, always running, chasing their dreams, their loves. I just stroll passed the broken hearted, the lonely, the dieing; the only ones that share my pace. But I'm not much like them. I've never lost a lover, never felt the rain of losing everything. All I know is the loss of life, the lonely nights of wondering just where should I be going? Yet, they are the only ones who are happy to see me. The puppets simply stare, whisper their own little jokes, and laugh as I walk by. Those whispered words would cut my like a blade, but I've taught myself to not care. Unfortunately, it was my own demise I taught myself. Forever walking in the broken promise land, while those marionettes dace to impress someone, anyone. Changing their face to see which one works best. I'm just...
Me. That's where we differ so much. I walk my own way, my own path. I sing my own melodies. I tear away all masks so that you may see just
Me.
Still I watch in envy. I only wish I could be content with being someone I'm not, someone I'll never actually be. Like an actress in the spotlight. You never know what she's really thinking, just what she's showing. A priceless picture.
But I can't do that.
So what does that make me?

Like Glass

2011-08-24T22:10:00.000-07:00

I'm just as breakable as the rest. just as cracked as anyone else with the same blackness in their eyes. I feel just as low as the ocean floor, forgotten about and unknown. But you'll never see me bleed. It's you that gave me my scars, but I hold them dear. Because no matter how many I collect, I'm still going to clean up the mess, pick up the pieces, and stand taller each time you break me down. I'm the most powerful girl I know. I was built that way. By a mother with the brightest colors of all the stars, all the flowers on a bright spring day. By a grandmother who showed me the world has so much more beauty in all the smallest, hidden places. By a father who taught me life has so much more for me than what I can see from my back porch. From a brother who knows me better than anyone, without knowing that much about me at all. But he always knows who -I- am.
I've been around, I see the lives others lead, the voices they hold dear, the eyes they search for, always waiting for something. I always wonder what they're waiting for. I think if they went looking, instead of waiting, they would find everything. But I can't really say much, I never leave my own world. It gets dark, but I won't let that show to you.
Though I know you'll never see these words, never hear my screams to you, never even care, I feel the need to tell empty space what I wish you would listen to. You may know just how to bring me down, you may know how to rip my heart into thousands of pieces, but I will never give you the pleasure of seeing me die.
You make it hard for me to love. You make it hard for me to let myself go. You control me. I can admit. But I know you'll never notice. You'd have to remember my name to see that. If I could let you go. If I could take these pieces and walk along my lonely road, I could. And never look back. But I'd have to miss out on seeing you fall apart when you see me from my place, up high, on top of the world, in love and in the sun. We'll see how well you like to be shattered, like a pane of glass.

The Girl In The Field

2011-08-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

I see her almost every night
In a spot of moonlight
Maybe in a field or even in my arms
I hold her tight
She never speaks
Or when she does, you know she keeps
A deadly secret all to herself
She'll never let it go

She seems so beautiful
Black hair and opalescent skin
She'll keep me company any day, any night
But there's something missing

I ask one day, might she lay with me
Her eyes grow wide as she agrees
I ask for her story
But as always she'll avoid me
Her beauty is much too grand to keep it hidden
I want her to meet all my friends
Her face runs cold and her voice so still
"Let me tell you a story,

They won't see me as you do
They won't understand our friendship as I do
There was a girl, who never knew of love
She spent all her time alone
She never wanted it be like this
But she knew she wouldn't be missed
I left it all behind, where I once lived
Where I was a kid
Now, to anyone, at most
I'm just a ghost."

The Eccedentesiast

2011-08-06T09:21:00.000-07:00

Wait
I think they're looking
Make sure that light is shinning
I have a smile to ease the soul
Warm any cold
You say it's genuine.
But I know it's fading
I can only hold it there for so long
Before the light is finally gone

I know just where to hide
To keep my secrets alive
You'll never see that happiness die
For in the shadows, my loneliness hides
Sometimes I forget
And let a little heartache slip
But I'll save it quick
With explanation "I'm just feeling sick"
You'll believe
They always do
And when I walk away
You won't think twice

In the night, it's all too real
No more painted masks
No more calculated laughs
Just the moon and all it's broken pieces
At last
I'm just The Eccedentesiast

Walk Alone

2011-07-17T20:13:00.000-07:00

I won't cry for you, like I always did before. My eyes have run dry these days. Although I walk around and my face tells you I just don't care, I'm really just...
Broken
Have you ever been so broken, you don't know how to feel anymore? Shattered one too many times that it's not even worth picking up the pieces? If I stare at the moon long enough, the rest of the world fades away, and I start to feel okay. But when I let the day, the nights fall back in, I feel myself run cold again. Forever alone.
In a room, always in a room, full of voices, beautiful people, that I do so love...I am alone. I'm just lost in my own mind, wondering through this desert night, spotted with trees like skeletons. Nothing more, nothing less. I just wonder. Waiting to find something.
Anything.
In this desert, though, there is a lone wolf, who follows my short foot steps. I now walk gladly beside her, black as night, eyes of ice blue. We've grown so close. When she's out of sight, I somehow know she still wonders in this place. The same broken earth, under the same pale moonlight. And when we cross again, it seems much warmer. We climb the trees, we rake the sand into intricate patterns. Even smile. Although I feel alone, she does too, and we can see it in each other. We never speak of it. We just...
know.
When I stop to rest, I can hear her howls in the air, a painful reminder that she's just as broken as I am. I would give anything to help her find her way home, but in the end I know
Neither of us know where home is. Sometimes I don't want to know. Sometimes I like this hollow desert. I feel it's all I have. She's all I have. A lone wolf. But, my dearest friend, you're not alone. No matter how far away I wonder. We always end up back at the same dark tree stump, watching the cracks grow.
The world can see us in the daylight, a smile on our face, miles away from each other, but what no one really knows, until now, is that, even as we talk to you, as we laugh and play, we're still in the same, cold, dark, shadow-filled desert wondering alone.
Broken and lost we may be, but I'll always have her, and she'll always have me.
Just a ghost
And a shell of a girl you used to know.
We walk alone.

How

2011-07-11T02:27:00.000-07:00

How dare you? How dare you bring me back to those thoughts, those feelings? How dare you come back here looking for love? You think it's funny? This is not a game, not a contest of who can break who more. Trust, if it was, you would win far sooner than I could ever even try.
I would give my life for you, I would have dropped everything in my life to bring a smile to your world. Anything. I still would. But I know, you would simply watch me die, you wouldn't walk two miles for me, wouldn't give me a second glance. Until the rest of the world turns it's back on you, knowing you to be the black-hearted killer that you are. It's only then that your voice falls to me, to pick you up, tell you your worth it, tell you all the little things that you want to hear. And I fall for it every time.
But how dare you use that against me? How dare you!? What were you thinking when those words left your lips? Do you even know, that you're the reason my heart can never heal, can never love another the way it fell for you? Do you just collect hearts, in your own little world where you're the only one anyone will ever need? Until that moment comes where there's a crack in your bubble, calling to me to fix it right up. And I always do. But each time I mend your world, I'm always the one left on the outside. Do you know it's cold out here? Do you know how lonely it can be with nothing here, watching you smile and capture those other girls with your lies and beautiful blue eyes? Do you even care that each time, I bleed a little longer? That it hurts so much more every time I fix you? But I do it anyway, because knowing your happy was worth it before. But not today. Today you've shown me what I've been questioning for so long. I've bled for so many years now, I've grown used to the cold. Did you know?
That you're the reason that I'm a ghost?

No. And you never will, as I fade outside of your world. But what happens when I can't fix it anymore? You'll see quickly that I really was SOMETHING to you.
Forever just a ghost. I will always be.
How dare you be the one to kill me? Don't you know I have so much to live for, so many people to love, to laugh with? Why would you take my life when I spend so much of myself to keep you alive?
How could you?
Because you don't care.
But I'll always love you. Until you truly cause me to fade away for good.

The Waiting Game

2011-07-10T15:20:00.000-07:00

I never really search for the touch of someone. I always wait for it. Sitting in a dress I've made for you, my make-up on just right to make my face shine just the way I want it to.
But I've been waiting for so long, that dress is faded, my make-up is worn off, streaked from the occasional tears and walk slowly down my face. I shift in this chair uncomfortably, but I never move. I wait. For you.
Although I have seen you here. You've walked by several times. You hand me a glance, just once, maybe even twice if I'm lucky. And that's just enough to make me continue waiting. If you had never given me that look, that slight cracked smile, I might have been able to stand up, and walk away. Find a brighter starlight.
But your eyes are just so brilliant, that I MUST see them again. And what if you actually stop this time? What if you actually came looking and I wasn't here anymore? What if you're just waiting for the right time to take me away? I have to stay here.
And wait.
For how long? I don't know. But with each day that I stare into this empty space, my heart loses another beat. One day, if I still watch the same scene, breath this same air, I just might fade away. And when you do finally come for me, I'll be heartless, dead to you. Eyes black, skin cold. I won't be the girl you knew. So take your time, keep me here with your slight glances, your cracked smile that puts the idea in my mind that, maybe that smile was for me. Keep me in your trap.
Maybe someday, when I just can't stand the lonely days, the screaming nights, I'll walk away. I'll stand from this chair and leave this world. But then I won't have the chance of seeing that smile just
one
more
time.

Fallen

2011-07-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

I watch you from my window pane, sitting atop your roof, like a the fallen angel you are. When the wind carries just right, I can hear you sing, such a sad song. But I understand the words all too well. I know that if i spoke to you, we could find that we are too much alike. We could sit among the stars and steal away the moon. The darkness will keep us from the eyes of the world.
I sit here every night, watching you, watching the lights. I wonder if you'll ever jump. I'm sure you've thought it once or twice, but falling once if well enough for you.

I never see you around. Only in the night air can I see you're still there. Holding me close to your sorrow, I can only think of how much it hurts to break the silence. I just want to know;
Do you see me too?
Or am I still, nothing but a ghost.

My Tragedy

2011-06-15T02:55:00.000-07:00

No, I won't fall. but if I do, yours will be the last name I call. It's sad to feel like you're still all I ever had, when you've never been here. It's been a long day, a long year. And there's nothing to show for it.
I used to think I had you to show for it, but what happens when that reason to shine fades away, or was never really there? I'm sorry that I ever knew what your voice sounded like. Now, I can't really remember, maybe that's for the best.
I wonder what happened to you, so far away. I wish I wasn't always alone, but I've kept myself that way for so long, that warmth frightens me. So I continue to walk in the shadows where it's still safe, it's quiet here.
No, I won't swear to you anything that I have running through my mind. I won't waste a single word on where I might be. I'm here and that's all you need to know. It's not like me to show where I'm going, but I'll draw for anyone where I've been. Simply because it's so simple. Just a few lines, a few tears, a lot of laughs, and a lot of dark.
I'm lacking the information to tell the world that I'll grow up someday.
You're just a tragedy, kept in the dark. I'll use a candle to keep you away. You might be surprise to see that I'll do just fine. I do cry, for all the things I can't imagine. Anyone would. But I also laugh for all the things that I'll never know. Or at least that's what you'll see.
No, I won't fall. I won't call or even write your name on paper. When you decided I wasn't worth the sun, that's when I faded
To the shadow of a ghost.
Someday, I'll grow up
And I won't let you run my life.
You're my reason to die. So, today, I leave you behind.
Goodnight, my Tragedy.

Early Morning Skies

2011-05-25T04:04:00.000-07:00

The taller I become, the harder it seems to stand on my own two feet. Blame it on everything but yourself, right? Not my fault I can't find my way out. I can't change who I am. And I won't try. Being without you makes me feel real again. (I'm only lying.)

What can I do? Sit around and wait for you, when I know you'll never come? never smile on my behalf. I hold a guilt of letting you go. Like I should have tried much harder to keep you near me. When all in all, you were never here to begin with. I walk alone.
I watch the sky and wonder who I really am. I'm lost in my own world, but I kind of like it that way. Everyone knows me there. They smile when I wave. They hold dear my thoughts as if they were the secrets of life. I just want to be somebody. Not you, not her, not them. Just...someone. I love an empty space where there used to be love. Or was it never there? I'll never know. I walk alone.
I see your face every day, in all I do. But this time. i won't chase. I'll walk away. You don't control me anymore.
(I'm only lying.)

Same Thing, Different Melody

2011-04-20T04:24:00.000-07:00

A new house isn't so bad. It's the loneliness that hurts. i shouldn't be lonely. I have everything. Well, almost everything. more than I deserve, that's for sure. but I feel a familiar feeling that my mind always comes back to;
Like a Ghost.
I wonder how I'll feel when I'm actually a ghost. Will I feel alive? Or just the same. I feel unseen and unwanted. Lost, forgotten. I know I'm not. But my heart must not understand. It still breaks so easily. It's no one's fault but my own. It's a life I've chosen. I could change it if I found a way, but I'm not looking for a way out. I just sit. And watch the shadows on the wall. Watch the world around me spin and freely frolic the world. But I do not a think to get my feet off the ground. Why? When that's really all I want.
I want to fly away. A ghost can fly, can't they?
I can't keep pretending. So here it is;
I'm lost. I'm gone.
I'm just a ghost.

I do dream. I just never go after it. Stop dreaming, start doing.

The Waiting Room

2011-04-20T03:51:00.000-07:00

It's silent, almost dead. Empty and hollow. Seems like I've been here for a million years, stuck in a repeat of waiting. It's always waiting for bad news. I never wait for the good to fly it's way to my ears. I tend to leave it behind. I've been here, in this same room before. Waiting on you. Waiting for your voice, but the difference this time;
It stays silent.
Should I still wait? What if you come out and I'm not here? What if you're waiting for me? All this time, as I sit in this small blue chair, listening to the sirens like a music box, winding up every few minutes to play again. Yet it seems silent.
I wanted to save you from the dark, but you would never give to me your hand to follow. I brought the sun to you once, but you turned away to play with the moonlight. As beautiful as the moon can be, it's loneliness in it's true form. Too slow to play with the stars, shut out of all the games, all the laughs. But you refused to leave.
I'd give up this life to see you smile just once. You used to. All the time. And it was beautiful. But now it's just....
A waiting game.
The doctor comes in now and again to tell me it's fine. But I won't believe it until I see you; hear you again. You've been so quiet for so long, it's almost deadly. I just want to hear your laugh.

I've spent a lot of time in the waiting room of a hospital. Each time, it's not like I'm waiting for bad news. Because I know that's what I'll get. So I always watch the walls, watch the people around me, listen to their stories. And wait for you. Someday, I know, I won't be waiting anymore. Either you, or I, will no longer be coming back from that back room.
Why can't I just enjoy the light instead of waiting for the darkness? My walk has slowed, my eyes grow dim. And I am forever left
Waiting.
For you to bring back the brightness in my eyes, or for the storm to take it all away for good.
Just...
Waiting.

The Color Red

2011-04-05T15:04:00.000-07:00

I'll paint you a new shade. The color red. Sheer and mislead. The color of the hopeless dreamer, ruler of the imagination. It'll let the others know, just who you really are. Where they can find your heart. In a world of wild fantasies, of a place much like this, only opposite.

I watch you mend your heart, at the beginning of each new start. I watch it bleed from your hands every time you've broken it again. I see the sparkle of the tears that race against your cheek, warm and full of all the things you hate. Yet still, you refuse to walk away.
I admire that about you. You still think there's a reason for this life, a blue sky behind all the clouds, all the rain. And even with nothing but shame, you can always find a reason to love. A reason to get up, dust your wings off and fly again. For what?
No one really understands. Including you. You have no idea, and it's starting to show. Your laugh is softer, your eyes, more dull then before. You're starting t sink and the rope is getting weak. Still, you're holding on to your failed romantics and dreams of long-lasting love, as you're heart drains, losing all it's blood. Weak and weary, you sit alone, refuse to speak. And in the mirror I stay watching, wishing you could see. That you're getting faded, long faced and jaded. And as I watch the diamonds appear for one last time, reflecting in your eyes, I wait to see if you'll pick up the pieces one
last
time.
Pick yourself up, Doctor, you've got work to do.
It's not time to retire; It's time to Inspire.

Roses and Spiderwebs

2011-03-14T01:44:00.000-07:00

Can't scratch it away, can't fight it away. Let's run with it, see where it can take us. Everything has a right and wrong. It's what you do with the wrong that could make or break the right. We could be halfway to nowhere, and never know it. But let's enjoy it, instead of fear it, like the shine of a spiderweb, enough to give you chills, but you can always just push through. Even if it means the chance of getting bitten.
There's no need to tell anyone. Just before daybreak, we'll take it in our own hands. Find that rose hiding in the woods, beyond the cries, the screams, the shivers that tag along with the ride. No one is left to stop you, don't look back, you're safe now. As long as you stay with me. I'll keep you here. Live, and let me die for you, if I have to.
Whatever the end, the story will play out like the greatest movie you ever could see. Better than the imagination that created the world you're in right now. It's full of shadows, so shine your smile and brighten the day. There's nothing to hide, no where left to hide. No need to hide. Just a need to find.
Find everything.
That small chance, even if it grows, of getting bitten is always worth seeing what's on the other side of your eyes.
You love to breathe anything with life. To fill the thought of losing what you have. So lock it away. Get on that plane. Let's fly to anywhere the sun can shine. Even in the darkness, the light will always bring you "home".
You have two choices;
Take the path that's full of ordinary roses, blooming in the sunlight. Or take the road that's covered in spiderwebs. One Guarantees a minor beauty, but it gets old and you're left wondering. One gives you the creeps, but if you can get past it, what lies behind could blow your mind, never leave you wondering, always filled with surprises.
Take your first step. And I'll see you on the other side.

Smile On The Outside

2011-03-09T02:05:00.000-08:00

Have you ever just played some music, closed your eyes, and let the song capture you? The notes spinning softly around your body, lifting you into the night sky, away from everything. I only wanted to feel wanted. I only wanted to be known, not forgotten. Now I've gotten myself into a sick place and I can't find the exit. So if you could please point me to the door, I'll just be on my way. Although, I know you couldn't even if you wanted to.
I fear only myself in this life. I am all that holds me from all I dream of, all I wish for. Wishes are for the children watching sappy Disney movies. As I've grown, I wish no more, I have to make it happen myself. And yet...I don't. I blame no one but my own thoughts. Selfish as I may be at times, I'm good at hiding it from my loved ones.
Sometimes when I can't sleep, I think of you. What would it be like to go to sleep every night, not knowing if your eyes would open to daylight, or the light of God welcoming you to a place unknown? You were so strong. I know you didn't sleep well. I could hear it from my resting place on the tiny couch right outside your bedroom door. I heard the sounds of pain, but if it fell silent, it hurt so much more. A fear I realize rather quickly. Yet, you never forced yourself to be awake in the nights. You always dreamt, and you always held onto your wishes.
I wish you were here, so I could ask you, I could understand so much more. You could help me. I could help you. Even though we all know how helpless I am. Hopeless and fallen. And I've been lying here for far too long, please pick me up. Carry me somewhere; Anywhere. But you'll never be mine. not again. I had my chance. for 20 years. And I did nothing.
I only wanted to be something, be someone, now I fear I'm just a ghost, waking every night from what seems to be my certain death, I can't see if I'm alive or just stuck here to watch the world spin around. Am I a ghost? It's harder and harder to tell.
I really can't breath without you, for if I do try, I drown. I want to be in love with my soul. And I am. I have so much to show. But I get so lost in my thoughts, in my constant confusion that I forget to tell you, forget to show you; Therefore forgotten I should be.
I can say it a million times, in a million different ways, but I'll never truly believe that I can show the world my star. The one I carry in my pocket waiting to shine and blind the world with so much beauty. I have it. I do. I just forget to show it to you. A ghost doesn't need a star. But I'm not dead yet, I promise you. I think I'm alive. Right? You wouldn't know me if I were not...right?

I must be dead, surly there was no way to pull through such things.
It's just a dream, Doctor Benzedrine, like your name, a dream is something everyone longs for, a night full of rest. But it's the rest I dread. I just want to sleep, without the confusion.
Hold me (Don't touch me, please.) Stay the night and lay with me. (If you're there, you might kill me. Don't stay. Please go.) Be there while I weep. (I don't cry anymore. he says I'm not aloud to cry.....he's not real....but I still fear. Let's fake a smile instead.)
"I'm about to lose my mind. I need a doctor, call me a doctor, to bring me back to life."

Rumored Nights

2011-02-24T10:49:00.000-08:00

Moving silently, the fly as fast as they can. The words are filling the air and everyone starts to notice. Your eyes are a little darker than they used to be. Maybe they're hiding something sweet? It's a sour glace at the thought of them all knowing just what you've packed away all these hours, these days in the night. Holding close to nothing but your thought of running this town.
We all have out secrets. Our life's blood, held in the rumored nights, quiet whispers, no one knows if they're real. It could be a lie. Right where they need it most.
I can't seem to notice the direction I should be heading, but I'll walk this road in hopes of something. It's a much different place then when I was younger. This road I've walked a thousand times, past the flowers, now withered, through the fields or green, now faded to a dead gray and brown. Like it never lived before. It's always been so dreary. There was a time, I don't remember. Maybe it was just a rumor. Did you here? She's gone insane. Left her mind to the wind.
I'll keep this to myself, but I'll always remember your eyes. The love, the light, that seemed to die with you. Like the world's shine was only from you. But I hear it's nice up North. I heard a rumor she was walking away.
I think you might still be home. But in the night,
It's only a rumor.

The Black Stitch of a Secret

2011-02-18T14:59:00.000-08:00

Jump off that golden bird that has you flying high and watch the ground. It's a comfortable place, if you learn to like it. Before you throw yourself away, taste the salt that's formed in your words, the hollow truths that won't come back to your mind. You've been high too long, your mind can't think for itself anymore. It's all a cloud of secrets, a gaping hole in your chest. Let the sun stitch you up, bring you back to warmth. There are a lot of faces who miss that beautiful smile, the one your hold always, up in the stars, in the cold blackness of the night. A kiss upon your cheek can feel so wrong, when you refuse to let yourself go.
Step down from the edge, back to good.

I don't want to do this anymore, I want feel your eyes again.

But you'll never feel our gaze when we have to look so far away to see yours. Your love can't remember your face, a stranger to this game. You've become a fairytale, with no happy ending. Going down in flames, it won't hurt that bad if you have a place to land. A place to shine without the stars help.
The stars in your eyes are much more beautiful anyway.
I know you've felt alone, up there in the clouds, but we're all here waiting. To bring you back to life.
You just have to make that jump. And let yourself fall.

We're going down together, and it's not so bad.

Runaway Train

2011-01-23T15:45:00.000-08:00

I hold so close to what's already gone. So many times, I've walked into a world where nothing lives, nothing moves. It's like I'm stand on a train, moving faster than my thoughts could ever catch. I stand, watch everyone fly by, laughing, loving, shining like the sun. No matter how far I reach, how hard I scream, no one sees, no one hears, and I just can't feel you anymore. I'm reaching into nothing, hoping for everything. Yet all the colors still trace by me, leaving me black and white. The shades of gray keeping the air so cold. Like a rainy day in winter, it's nothing special, nothing sane. I run as fast as I can, but the train moves much quicker, leaving me in the same spot. If I move backwards, the colors darken and I'm left in the shadows. The trees reach to the sky, like a skeleton reaching for hope. A new light. But judging by the decay, it never came. Will that me me? Frozen, reaching for everyone who knows where to go? When I see nowhere to go? I can't breath without the sun, but I'm drowning in the rain. I can still see the light in your eyes, but you'll never find mine. Hidden by the fears and confusion, all you see is a cold hearted soul. I never was, and never will be, the girl you thought I was. But I'm still worth a glance, if you'd help this train stop. I want to get off, I think this is my stop. In what seems a slow motion, I see you look back at me, you smile, you reach to me, then it all floods away. Like the rain, washes by in a stream of nothing that I can comprehend. If I could just hold on a little longer, you'll wait for me. Right?
Or maybe I'm just forever lost, running for a chance to see the blues, the greens, the reds and browns. The sun. The beauty I know is there. If I could just run faster. If I could just reach a little farther. I could see your face and we could laugh again.

Each morning, step out the door, like a ghost, into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white.
I did this to myself.
And I plan on fixing it myself. Give me a chance to give you something to believe in. I'll run.
Run away.
And find my place.
This is MY time.

It's Almost Like A Disease

2011-01-15T14:53:00.000-08:00

Sit and wait. A fool for life. I can't shake you off. No matter how much time goes through my years, it's still the knife that keeps me bleeding. Even when you make it clear I'll never be what you are to me. I still can't seem to just turn away. You're eyes keep me lost in my own world.
My mind stays in an ever spinning state of confusion. A lost soul, in a world of self-glorying actions, I always keep mine to some how catch your attention. Though it never seems successful, I'll never stop trying to catch your eye. I only remember when I had you're thoughts to hold, now remaining in their place is the ice cold of loneliness. And I fear
I know
This is how it will remain, for the rest of my days. I'll move but I'll never move on. I was easy to leave, but you'll always have me.
You left my heart on the sidewalk of a broken street. I can't take it back, because I won't. You'll be over this, I'll lay underneath it's grave. Why?
I don't know.
I just....
Don't know...

Kissing You Goodbye

2011-01-10T17:48:00.000-08:00

I'm sliding slightly farther from you, but your warmth can still sting the tiny corners of my mind. I choose to look you in the eyes, but you'll never look through mine. I can't explain it enough. You're just not the same anymore.

You were beautiful. I don't know where that died, but the blood is on your hands now, I'm washing myself clean of this mess. You've left me wandering into a room I never knew. Hoping I would lose my way, you clearly don't know me well enough. I can find my place again, a new name you'll never find one quite like mine. But I'll walk away, like you've won this game. Because in a way....
You did.

I let you tear me down, shatter my very heart, my hair, my eyes, they have no light. Or rather, no...
Shadows.
I gave myself to you, in ever sense of a word, and what in return? I asked for nothing. And that's exactly what you gave me. In a silent state, I'll remember your name, but that ring, that sound, that music, it doesn't play anymore. Not like it did then. In such a short time, in such a long life, you've twisted the rope one too many times, and now I'm breaking free.

You knew all the tricks that no one could find. But Karma is a love that's been on my side. She soars close to my soul, beside me, but I'll never wish it upon you.
No.

I'll build myself strong this time. I won't let you cry, still to this day and on. I'll never let you fall, although you only laughed as I burned. I'll never show you the pain I've felt. So for the last time.
I'm kissing you
Goodbye.

"You almost always pick the best times
to drop the worst lines
you almost made me cry again this time
another false alarm
red flashing lights
well this time I'm not going to watch myself die
I think I made it

a game to play your game
and let myself cry
I buried myself alive on the

inside
so I could shut you out
and let you go away for a long time

I guess it's ok I puked the day away
I guess it's better you

trapped yourself in your own way
and if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that."

Yesterday Laughs, Tomorrow Cries

2010-12-28T13:07:00.000-08:00

I brought them all with me. Most of them knew, others wondered. We walked a long road, down a street no one knew, in a town no one lived. A place where the wind laughed, cackled, the trees reached up to the sky with the hands of skeletons long sense forgotten. The fear of of some created a mist, cold and lonely, lined with the stories of their families. Stay close, it's easy to get lost in here.
The ghosts won't hurt you, don't be afraid of them. They are just a sign we're getting close. They like to see all the new faces, in a town where no one visits. Can you blame them? Everyone gets lonely sometimes. They just stay that way, unlike you, who can find any hand to hold. The air is cold here, it's a given. It never warms, it never rains, it never snows. Just stuck in a weather in between. The moon starts to melt without the sun, but don't cry for her, she's had her glory years. Now she's just lighting the way.
They brought no clothes, no backpacks, no books, or cell phones. They only brought their lies, their lives, and the guilt they carry in the left pocket of their warm jackets. They knew they would need something warm for this destination is long, and barely frozen. Keep walking, we're almost home.
These kids lost their way, never knew which way to go. So I wander in the darkest hour to lead them all to Death's door. Don't be sad, that's where they belong, they left this life a long time ago. But in their journey to peace of mind, they got lost in Death's Town, it's not hard. So many empty houses, looking welcoming to a weary traveler. Ghosts longing for attention from anyone. "Let's play a game!" and before you know it, the road is gone.
For years I've wandered these streets to bring the forgotten to the home they now belong. The father at the door, dressed warm and calm, greats them in almost a loving way. People never see him in the right light, but in the glow of the shrinking moon, I see the relief on the lost's faces as their father brings them in, out of the frozen, into peace. And I'll head back home.
Why do this?
Because everyone deserves a place to call HOME.

The Hung Jury

2010-12-11T06:34:00.000-08:00

The punchline? She had a baby; That's why the bed was covered in blood. No murder in sight. She gave birth to a girl, much like herself. Only more appealing, less threatening. Wrapped in a blanket to keep out the cold hearted, the scared and lonely. Hidden from her true self. She left this child, herself in your hands, and vanished into the wind, never to be seen again. Now no one will ever know who she really was.
But she made one mistake. The bed was stained where she brought to life her new found smile. It was a fake smile, but all around loved it enough to never question. But in that room, I found the truth, She left it untouched. Maybe she wanted someone to find it. Someone to see what she's done. Maybe to be found herself? I don't know. I can't seem to find her. Only this child of fantasy. A beautiful, bright as the sun, girl. But even the sun goes down at night.
The moon can bring out the damned and slain. And in the light of the stars, the wind whispers. In it's voice I can hear her cry. I can see her tears. But she never wants the world to know. Not again. Not ever again. But I know. And I'll find her. Bring her back to life.
For now, with all her "friends" as the jury, they find the verdict; Not Guilty. Although it's a lie, a charade. They only see the life that was brought out of a fairytale. When honestly
It's the death that rings the world silent. She left and no one ever notice.
But I did. I can feel her. I don't believe in this....imaginary child of the day. I believe in the beautiful sight of the woman of the shadows. And I will find her.
As the case goes cold, I'll follow the night to find her eyes. I'll never give up. She is a part of me.
And I'll never let her go. Not without a fight.

The Mirror

2010-12-02T04:17:00.000-08:00

A quiet night, I felt a wind. There before me was Mother Earth, to show me, where we’re supposed to be. She gave to me a long, beautiful mirror, with a shine like I’ve never seen. She said to me, this mirror will hold all true forms, the hidden self inside the world, so that I may see you in your natural form. I looked into this mirror and only saw my reflection, nothing different.
I wasn’t meant to see my true self, for I was to find it in myself.
No one was to see this mirror but me, a gift, I suppose.

I dragged this mirror behind me, to meet the ones I loved. I came to my wolf, a beautiful, strong and willful warrior I’ve known for years. Looking as strong and tall as ever, proud and only the sun could match her brilliance. I glanced in the mirror, and I saw not a wolf. But a puppy, cold and lonely. Scared and searching. Left out in the cold, almost as if forgotten by the world. Longing for someone close. But to everyone around her, she’s a powerful wolf, strong and fierce. Always the one to run to, but don’t get too close, she can bite if you’re not careful. But the mirror never lies.

Up walked a tiny mouse, one I’ve grown quite fond of. Sweet, calm, and easy to love. A heart bigger than the sky. A look her eye that instantly cools the hottest temper. But when I look into the mirror, I saw not a mouse, but gray wolf, standing guarded, ready for the deadliest storm. A protector, I could tell, for it’s stance said nothing friendly to those who threaten. But to everyone around her, she’s cute, she’s giving, such a tranquil soul, that little mouse. But the mirror never lies.

I walked away, stunned and confused., when I came across a friend, one that I used to love so much. She still held a place in my heart. She has a warm smile, always laughing, seemed to shine brighter than the stars themselves. I was hesitant this time, but I gave a look in the mirror and saw….nothing but black. A horrid being, angry and full of hate, a heart I’m sure it lacked. With a Joker’s grin and eyes of empty space, it filled the mirror with hate. But to everyone around her, she seemed so happy, so willing to love and hold your hand, hold your heart so close. But the mirror never lies.

Shocked and ready for my own, I begged for Mother Earth’s spirit to let everyone see it. I had to know, where my soul was leading, what I had hidden. I couldn’t stand it. I pulled the mirror to everyone I knew, not a single one would tell me, what they saw as my reflection. Not a single one. They all looked away, walked away, as if to forget this ever happened at all.
I knew one person though. My wolf, my sister in heart and soul. She would let me know. I rushed to her side and pleaded for her to tell me. She gazed into the mirror for what seemed like an eternity. "What?" I cried. She looked at me, with those sad, lonely puppy eyes, and simply said;
"You’re just a ghost."

"And the earth and its skin will open up and birth out a perfect mirror that makes all our reflections clear."

Even The Cold Air Can't Bring Me Back

2010-11-29T13:48:00.000-08:00

It's starting to freeze outside
All the summer heat has steamed away
The clouds roll in, the heaters kick on
You'll pull out every sweater you own
But I won't be home

Cookies are to be made, the trees set up
Holiday lights, parades, cheers
Family members all gather, just this once
But I won't be there

This year, when the moon shines with chilling winds
I'm going for a long walk, just me
I don't know when I'll be back, but you'll do fine without me
Yearly routines will run just as smoothly
But it's not right anymore

You remember the time when you found out
That Santa Claus wasn't real after all
And all the magic of that month
Vanished like a snowflake in the wind
I felt it again

I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm just not there anymore
I'll keep away and let you have your day
And be excited to hear all about it
All the laughs, all the gifts, all the lights
But I'll just sit this one out

I lost my magic, my spirit is wounded
The red and green are just pigments to me
Though the cool air calms me, brings me back to better days
It's just not the same, I'll spend it alone
Because no matter how hard I try
I can still feel it inside
I just have no reason to hide
That my Christmas
Has died
But I'm okay
Just not today

Three AM

2010-11-29T11:17:00.000-08:00

The clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days. I just stare intently, because if I take a second to look away, another year flashes past me. I remember the days when I worried not the time, the year, I could walk beside it. But now I just can't keep up. If I watch closely, the clock will never move, and I can sit here next to you. Seems like we both play this waiting game.

Your eyes tell me a different story. Where there used to be lines and lines of days well spent, i see a vacancy. I see a lost child trying to find her way home. The streets you used to walk so proudly down you now rest upon a bench.
Waiting.
I don't know what you're waiting for, but I fear I may lose you. If I don't follow close, you'll wander away. just like the day. Maybe it's me. Maybe I just can't keep up with anything anymore. I'm just...
Tired.
Worn thin. I shouldn't be. And all I ever wanted was to be set free, but I think if you opened the cage, I would just sink into the ground and rot away. Like a rose in the dead of winter, I never stood a chance.

As I watch you waiting, I wonder what you're thinking. When all along, I've always known. I wish I could carry you to a place where you can smile again, but those wings I'm just not ready to give you yet.
Please stay a little longer. We don't have to talk, just let me sit beside you. For just a little while longer.

Frozen Creek Makes Me Think Of You

2010-11-26T00:56:00.000-08:00

Upon a pebble driveway
There sits a house
And it’s the loneliest place
I haven't spent much time there,
It wasn't allowed,
It just didn't feel right

‘Cause it’s all built upon a burial ground,
It just doesn't feel right,
It just doesn’t feel right

On top the frozen creek,
I would love to take you there
And swear it flows through me
On top the frozen creek

If I open both of my eyes,
I still see an empty space, so empty
But if I keep them closed
Then there's still a chance that something is out there

‘Cause it’s all built upon a burial ground,
It just doesn't feel right
It just doesn’t feel right

On top the frozen creek,
I would love to take you there
And swear it flows through me
On top the frozen creek

I made a promise to you long ago
I’d do the best that I can
I’d try and keep it
I made a promise to you long ago
That I’d do anything to keep this home

On top the frozen creek,
I would love to take you there
And swear it flows through me
On top of the frozen creek

I would love to take you there

(not written by me, it's a song. I miss you Grammy.)

We Run Out Of Things To Say

2010-11-22T14:30:00.000-08:00

It's been a long year, and we sit in silence. I dream of what the years to come will bring me, but for now, we watch the sky in our world. It's like by this time, we just don't have anything to say anymore. The stories tend to run shorter, the days more relaxed. Time for sleep is now. The year brought rough waters, treading through the rain, mud-slick roads, tripping along the way. Many times never even wanting to get off the bottom. Always seems like you had barely enough to breathe.
Now, as we lay together, we are alone. Hold tight to the stars above us. There's nothing left to sing. The music stops, leaving time to reflect. The winter nights bring an odd sense of peace to the world. We wonder all the things that went wrong, they don't matter anymore. When it seemed so stressful, damaged, I pick up the pieces of my puzzle and begin to place them, one by one, back to where they should be. I may have lost a few on the way, but I can manage without a corner piece. The puzzle still shines it's own beauty.
Dust the books off, and remember. Remember all the reason you took that rocky road. All the reasons it was worth falling apart. With eyes wide, you can see the blue of the sky. Where was it hiding? Maybe you just didn't look hard enough before. Maybe this time around, you'll remember to look up and realize you're not the only one with a broken heart. Remember to smile, instead of hiding so much.

There was a girl I knew. She never knew the blackest days. She chose to leave them behind for a better way. She took her broken clock and set it to a time where the sun was always shining. Even in the rain, she always knew where to find the warmth. She had a light that never dimmed. In the darkest hour, I could feel she still kept that time when she knew it would turn out ok. And in the end....it kind of did. Never had a reason to shout, except for in joy. Never had a reason to cry, she left those tears. Back in the years she spent in solitude, lost and confused.
Now that it's time to reflect, maybe this time....it's time to leave the dead, cold nights to my memories. And learn how to set my heart free. I'll always have a dark side. But that dark side smiles just as bright as the moon, know that, honestly
It'll all be ok. No matter how many times you fall. If you get back up, you always have a chance to shine again.
Let's keep it quiet for now. Enjoy the end of one chapter. Just remember not to forget,
This time...
Sing it like you mean it.

A Twisted Noise

2010-11-22T04:24:00.000-08:00

Just bodies. And all I see are zombies. Dead, empty souls, walking around me. None of them have a light to spare. But they all have a spark. Something that keeps me close, interested in their life. Yet, they're not alive. Just a walking waste of time.
With too much time to spare, we don't have enough to explain it all. Just give me a short response, like on a middle school essay. A swift reason way, you don't sleep at night. You cover up the sky, you refuse to be behind. In the distance, you'll realize, you were left behind a long time ago. Alone in a crowded room, packed with the lost days of everyone, you'll cry alone. It's kind of funny how we all cry with you, yet you'll never notice. Why?
You're a dead, vacant soul.Cursed to pretend that you own the warmth of a human being. But you should know, none of us seem to have a soul anymore. I don't know where they go. Maybe there's a place, just outside of Texas, where no one knows, no one goes, where the souls of all the world's children run and hide from the woes.
Let's keep it simple. In my eyes, it's all like a piano. With a little help, some of the notes seem to ring in harmony for hours, even days. But once left alone for too long, they'll never sound the same. Twisted, aching noise, no longer worthy of an ear. And you'll just let it fade. It's been a long hard day, it's time to rest. And once again, that light will be forgotten.

We all want to be remembered. In trying so hard, we make ourselves so forgettable. Almost desperate. Borderline reject. I'm still waiting. I have been for most of my life. Waiting for the sun to rise and spill rays of light into this black tunnel. Waiting for the day, when we can pull that cloud back and see how beautiful the sky has been. And how selfish we have been, to hide such a light, just so we could shine a little more.
Instead of worrying if the zombies around us are listening, maybe we should just let ourselves ring, loud and beautiful. Someone with a heart will hear you, and from then on...
You'll never be alone.
But that's just a theory.

Once Apon A Day

2010-11-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

You're having a relapse. And I feel this time you will not let me save you. Truth is, I don't have the heart to do it anymore. If you're willing to drop me like an old picture, just to play in the past that destroyed you, I guess this is our farewell. I wasn't in your life back then, for a reason. Life knew. It's time to move forward and you're only running back to what killed your light the first time. I can't help you, I can't hold you, if you're in a place where I don't exist.
I'll be here, if you're willing to come back. But for this moment, you refuse to live in the now. You strive in the then. But don't you remember? It was then that everything crashed, burned to the ground. Why bring it back to life....to watch it burn again?
I'm afraid this time, you're pushing me too far away. I can't feel you anymore, I can't hear your voice anymore. You're running from me, and I'm not one to chase. If you wish to run, I'll let you be. Just know that there was a reason I wasn't in your life then
If you bring that time back
Why would I be in it now?
You're breaking me heart, but I'll let you be. Maybe someday you'll remember me.

A Different Road

2010-11-05T11:38:00.000-07:00

It's all that's really real. Only the theories, but they can't make it alone. It's easier to give it all away, quit for another day. But where does that end? Where does real life begin? When you open your eyes when there's nowhere else to go. You'll know. You have to open up to shutting down to know when to reboot. No one is going to smile for you, not this time. It's goodbye and no one's here for the farewell party. Say goodnight, pack your tears, stack your fears, walk away. Nothing can ever stay the same. Always wanting more. Try a different road. I know. I'm scared too.

Two Days

2010-11-05T11:13:00.000-07:00

It's been two days. Since she walked away. Without another sound, she turned away. In my dreams, I see her face, I see all the things I've missed, the things I'll never take back. She deserves this.
She broke my mind, shattered on the bathroom floor I watch them shine in the moon light. Like tiny little daggers, swimming in an ocean of greed and envy. I'm a selfish soul. I'll admit it to anyone. I'm always looking for a way to make myself smile. But the truth is...
These pieces on the floor, they burn a hole in my heart, showing me that all I really loved was watching her smile. Watching her laugh. Now she's gone, a empty walking soul stuck on this earth. Everyone around us seems to think she's still here, but I know. I watched her walk away. Leave the night to the heartbroken and lonely. Now she lives among the shadows, hidden in the moon, and I'd give anything to hold her again.
How selfish I must be. To bring her back to this Hell just for me to smile again? For me to love again? I couldn't. Not even I am that cruel. She deserves this. To never worry again, to never cry again, I can feel her in the wind.
With my tattered heart and shattered mind, I'll smile to the sky and never forget who brought me to my knees. Only you could. Only I know.
It's been two days.
Since you walked away.
I'll never love the same, but I'll smile for you. The way you did for me.
Love was over-rated anyway.

This Place Is A Bloodbath

2010-11-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

Face covered in blood, I watched as she moved. She was slow, haunting strides that seemed to sing a shallow tune. Her eyes kept well hidden beneath her hair, beneath her breath. She's just like the rest of us. Searching for a face, arms to hold her tight. But not a soul will touch her, not in this light. The spotlight is singing, there's no where else to run. Torn and bleeding, her time with us is done. It's a waste. She was a pretty face. A well-known name. The sky seemed to praise her every day. She smiled, she wore strength on her sleeve. Yet now she's broken down, all her dreams quietly pooling at her knees. She can't walk, she can't scream, she won't cry, barely weeps. And as I stare I wonder where she thought she'd end up tonight. Clearly not the center of attention as the clock finally hits midnight.
It was all a game. It was all just for fun. But no one is laughing now. No one cares enough to even speak. But what would you say to her? "It's going to be okay"? Not even God could promise her, her fate wasn't in vein.
I twisted my arms around her, heard the gasps as if I held a demon. I felt her curl into me, felt her last, aching breaths against me. And with a final fight to kill a breakdown, I whispered back;
I love you too.

Faith Makes Everybody Scared

2010-11-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

You see, I know you don't know. But it keeps you hanging on. A mystery you'll never figure out. Because if you had nothing to search for....what do you have?
While you search for the light, I search for what matters. In the spaces between, where it seems nothing matters. Call it a lost cause, but I could say the same to you. It easy to see the when the light blinds half of what's there. You' ll never have to worry. But you'll find me with my sunglasses, settled calmly upon my nose, to keep what obvious from blocking what's underneath. I keep my eyes down, but not for the reasons you think. I'm searching, just like you. The only difference; I don;t believe what I can't feel. I can't take your word, as I would expect you to not take mine. Look for yourself.
But in that same sense, I can't spend my days looking to the sky and wishing on the clouds for a better place. Because it's here, you just have to look for it. If it's not hard to work for, it's not something I'll waste me time on. If you never give me a reason to want to punch you, you never gave me a reason to believe you care.
A strange thought process, maybe, but it works for me. IN those tiny shadows, the crying faces, I can find the brightest souls, the warmest hearts, they're just scared of what you'll gun will say if they open up to shine. Because the light they hold, if a light the sky will never know.

Why do I think this? I pay attention. To your voice, to your smiles, to your tears and screams, I hear your soul. If you're smiling all the time, you've got something to hide. Let it out. Are you afraid that some thousand-year-old biblical being won't like what you have to give? Take a chance. But, Faith makes everybody scared. I know there's no need to run. But there's a lot of silent cries in the night I can feel of the captured and scared that just don't know anymore. If I could hold your hand, hold you breath in my mind, you'll see what means the most to me. True happiness. A love that all you need is a glance, an embrace, something you can feel.

Maybe this is all just a ramble, non-sense, but it's where I find my life. I watch the way we all live, I smile at the hearts that make people cry, I scream at those who use others pain to make their ego grow, but then again.....
We all use others pain to help ourselves. Faith
Makes everybody
....lost.

I'm Sorry, I Forgot

2010-10-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

There was a dusty, old box. Untouched for years. Buried in the back of my mind, where I could forget it's place. Exiled from my heart, left for the wind to cherish. I forgot it's letters, it's pictures, it's names, I left it alone and I felt safe.
I picked this box up off the floor, blew the dust away, and opened what I know I've missed. Inside lay pictures of you. Of me and you. Letters we wrote, memories we've shared, promises we made. At first I was angry, I threw all the pictures, scattered about the attic of my mind, settled in the spiderwebs that capture all my dreams. But as I sit all, I glance around at all the smiles staring back at me. How perfect the light hit your golden eyes. How sweet the sky looks above us. I can almost feel the breeze of all the days, all the walks, all the perfect times that were erased.
The bittersweet crash of a love I'll never hold. But why would I ever bury them away? You were my light, you were my love, you were the energy that kept my alive. The difference now? I let it fade away.
You're still my love, my life and heart, my soul, my sun, and I promise you this;
These pictures will never fade, these smile will shine through my face. I'll never forget.
I'll no longer regret.
I love you. And I'll smile again. This time; big enough to brighten Heaven.

A Beautiful....Lie

2010-10-23T15:03:00.000-07:00

You can fake it if you want to, but we can all see right through you. And now we're walking away, because you asked us to. Not with words, but with your eyes. You denied the life. The light of love, and truth. But you're preaching to the choir. I've danced with death for years now. I know the games, I know the lies. You're not fooling anyone but yourself

Yet I'm back to where I always start. For a "fresh start" for the 100th time. In a house, surrounded by love, but all alone. I'm never alone, I drowned myself in music, let it take the breath from my voice and give me new meaning, because I never know where I want to start. So I just run, even if it means I have to turn back. I never run far, I always get scared. But not tonight.
(I'm only lying...you taught me how.)
I'm a missing piece, traveling the realms of beyond the mind, fishing for a chance that I surly will not take. Why? I still don't know. If you can't seem to understand me, it's because you don't know me. And neither do I. So here it is;
I'm just a ghost.
I've said it before, and I talk about these "ghosts" a lot. I write their stories, I watch them at night, I live to feel them fly. Who are they? Who I MUST be. I feel I'll never find where I should be inside. But that doesn't mean I'll stop trying.
Unlike you, I will never give up my voice. I'll always make this noise, it is my destination;
To Be Heard.

You? You only wish...to be forgotten. So in turn?
You're the ghost.

The Blackest Hole

2010-10-18T17:02:00.000-07:00

I understand people change, but don't miss out on this chance. You have to find yourself, and that's exactly where you'll find me. I'd survive with or without you, but what would that prove? Nothing. I just want to see you smile, like you used to.

You try so hard to build the darkest room, in the darkest house, and dwell on the darkest hour. You might spend a day in the light, but you'll always race back to the blackest hole, where you mourn the loss of something you've never had.
But why? I can't seem to understand your reason. I've spent time in the darkness, but I always come back to the brightest smile. It feels amazing to laugh, to love the life you walk, it's everything you try not to be. Happy? Is that what you fear away from? Please help me understand.
I've been mad, I've cried for you, I've tried for you, but you hide from me. Is this where we'll always be? I want to help you, I want to love you, I want to see you smile. But what's the point? What are you trying to prove?

Someday you'll see there's no reason to fear me, to hide from my. All I want to do
Is make you smile.
How horrible I must be.

I Guess What I'm Trying To Say Is....

2010-10-17T00:09:00.000-07:00

If it's you for you and I for I, then one of us is gonna leave here blind. I guess I'm trying to find the words to say that maybe... I'm tired

Hey Friend, Concider Me Dead

2010-10-16T18:36:00.000-07:00

It's just a waste. A game I've forgotten how to play. The rules don't make sense to me anymore, to be ignored, what's the point? I'd rather watch you fall. Especially if you think I'm going down with you. I stand tall, for once I know where I stand, where I'll land, run around and you'll soon find out, you're alone this time.

When did I make it so clear that I'm a fool? That I'm your walking stick, a crutch for your lies and mistakes you so cherish to make? Life can be beautiful, when you don't make a point to paint it all back to when the sun would never shine, the rain would keep you crying. It's time to pass. If you wish to come with me, drop the act.
Don't think I'll ever forget, I gave you that chance to make a plan to forget this mess, but you chose to keep up the story and explore me, just to see how far I'll let you destroy me. Oh, not anymore.
To you, I'm just a ghost.
Consider me dead.
I won't hold your hand.
I won't be a part of this plan.
When you decide you're alright with a mask and all the glory, I'll be long gone, so to you, my friend, consider me dead.
And I'll return the favor.

The Years, They Were A Waste

2010-10-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

There's a beautiful light. It only shines if you see it just right, day and night, you can't hide it. it's written on your face. Painted in your smile, encoded in your laugh. It's impossible to hide, then again...you wouldn't want to. You'll climb to the top of your lungs to tell the world, tell the sad faces, all the loners, all the doubters, look at me. Shine with me. It doesn't get better than life. Perfect like the ocean shore at sunset. You sit and watch the night. As perfect as a summer rose. But every rose begins to wilt when summer falls.
Maybe it's a phone call, maybe it's a face, a voice, anything. Something. As a sounds bleeds from your ears, your heart begins to race. It's not right. Something must be mislead to believe such a sight could pull away the smile you fought so hard to keep. Though a painted smile can last, a tattooed shot to the heart will never wash away.
Just a day, just one word, took that world you screamed to, sharing your perfection, strikes a streak of lightening to break it all down.
One
Shot.

Straight to the heart. Now it seems the winter nights will never melt, never feel right. How do you find a way to laugh when the lights keep you hidden, keep you crying, but wait
You can't even cry anymore. You get to the day where it all just blends to one shade, one constant note, a sour taste that keeps you sick. Like the sunset never came, like the never ending rain, hate, a beauty you never knew about, you find so friendly. This dark, bleak feeling. You find disgust in the thought of dancing in the wind, you sit and find the death in flat sounds that others fear to love. It's all you have. As good as it gets.

A bright flash takes you back to, "Where did it go?", back to the top of your lungs you scream, in pure agony, until you voice gives out and so do your eyes. You can't find the light. But you vaguely remember that it was there. It was....what's the word? Can you even remember? It was only a week ago, a year? Or has it been longer? Time has left you in the dust...or rather...you stay in the shadows as it passes with the sunlight. You live in twilight. And you feel okay with it. But why? When it all felt so right, could it all feel so wrong, so fast. And how do I get back?

These Miles Have Torn Us Worlds Apart

2010-10-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

It seems a waste. A waiting game leaves me misplaced. It seems like a normal day, the sun it blinds, voices ring in my ears, but all can fade away, for just a day. If I wake up, I'll survive another moment, but if I stay, in my dreams I can feel you here. A beauty only your eyes can bring to my world. Even if just for a day. But how long can I dream when I know reality screams for my mind to realize, I'm just living, never smiling, never seeing the colors that I was meant to hear. The sound of the pastel blue of the autumn skies where I can remember holding your hand. The pansy lined the street, the rain washed away the clay and stacks of gravel we kicked to the wind. The the milky silence of all the stars as they lit our way to moonlight, they all seem perfect as the reflect in you eyes. But in the morning, I know I'll see none of the same. It fades to gray, the rain, it keeps my wondering, wherever you are, that's my place.
There's a heart that beats so far away, and I'll wait for a day when your smile is painted next to mine, keeping my heart whole, full of warmth, the grass never seemed greener then where your steps match mine. Yet every time, I know it's time for yet another goodbye, I'll watch you leave, watch you wave and smile like it's all okay. But when your sight leaves mine, the puzzle held so close in my chest will lie unfinished.
Until then, I'll keep dreaming, wondering, if it'll always be this way. For just a day. I feel perfect. For a year of unfinished laughs, it's always worth it.
So I'll wait.
So far away, I'm standing underneath the stars and always I know there's something missing. When I glance to the empty air around me, I always remind myself
Just one more day.

Flight

2010-10-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

She catches the starlight in her eyes
She's the last of this kind
Captured deep within her beating heart
The dawn of something new, a fresh start

No one else sees the beauty she sees
Plucking flowers for the graves of the non-believers dreams
She can see the lights of all the days to come
While everyone waits to heed the storm

It's sure to come, we've been told
From the young, to the old, we know what's in store
Right?
We do
Right?
Oh how eloquently blind
It's time to take the night
A flight at midnight
And just....enjoy the sight

The Missing Piece(Not A Death Wish)

2010-10-10T11:26:00.000-07:00

Whispers behind a smoking gun
If you listen close, you'll hear them run
They aren't scared, they just don't know what to do
Just breathe, once, twice, GO

A passing glance means nothing to a daughter
But the son knows where she finds her father
You can't see it unless you listen close
To the voices that fade, she's just a ghost

She looks alive, she smells like summer air
You can watch the sun write stories in her hair
But in her chest beats an empty, hallow scream
With a bullet and a thought, she counts
One
Two
Three

We're All Just Ghosts

2010-10-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

Do you walk or run? Scream or cry? Laugh or live? A perfect question for everyone who never knew. It's not like they ever cared anyway. A Ghosts is someone losr, someone waiting to be found. but how can I find you if you're always moving around? Can't stay in this place, they may start to wonder, start to listen, we can't let this happen.

She used to be so beautiful. Now in my dreams, she's never alive. She's always dying. Always crying. Someone I don't know, don't remember. It's not her. She's just a ghost, who's haunted me for years. I never wish her away, I never see her face, but I always feel her pain. All I wish is to hold her hand. But she's so mad. Her anger keeps her far away. I used to just smile and it would bring the sun to her face. But a smile is just an excuse not to cry. I wonder why. I can't just see her. One
Last
Time

Ghosts...

2010-09-27T23:14:00.001-07:00

And as always, innocent like roller coasters. Fatality is like ghosts in snow and you have no idea what you're up against
because I've seen what they look like. Becoming perfect as if they were sterling silver chainsaws going cascading......

She Turns To Stone

2010-09-19T06:44:00.000-07:00

She holds her heart in her left pocket, in pieces it remains, safely locked away. All she knows, is all she has, the rest has yet to come. She wonders, she regrets, yet don't we all? She pushes her mind away to keep it from losing itself. It's broken but it's still ticking. Like an old clock, never wanting to die...except on some days when it's just to hard to move. Her imagination flies, all alone, she turns to stone, while others begin to see; she's not the same as me. I'm still me. Just a smarter, stronger, me.

Before my vocabulary runs clear, let me just say, that I love you. I don't know you, but I do love you. In the many forms of love I know the difference of how each feels. Yet, no one believes me; Oh! She's naive! Let them think what they will. My pre-calculated charm will soon run low.

I planned to pick for you a rose, but now I just pass them all by, trying not to look. Would your gaze find horror at the thoughts that I've become? Would you still see the same little girl you've always loved? Or would you see what they all see; a cold-hearted fool, wandering aimlessly. I'm not aimless. I just don't know where I'm aiming yet. I'm still practicing. So, this is as close as I'll ever get; for you I'll kiss each rose I see and keep wishing I could give it to you, as you shine down upon me in daylight, and sparkle with me in the night. I miss you. I always will. And I'm sorry we never had that picnic. Next time I won't wait so long.....next time.

Do me a favor, don't let this moment pass.

Romeo and Not So Juliet

2010-09-16T04:16:00.000-07:00

What is Romeo never fought for Juliet? Just left her waiting on the balcony, wishing upon the midnight stars. Would love still have the same meaning? Would fairy tales still be the same in the eyes of all the worlds little princesses? Left in the cold, where Juliet spent each night crying over what could have been. Or would she rage in anger of what she wasted? Maybe she wouldn't even mind, like a dream, just passed her by.

What is Cinderella never went to the ball? Never wished upon those same midnight stars? Who really thought a star could grant a wish anyway? They just shine in the velvet, holding the lonely as the weep for freedom. A star is just a friend. So you're never really alone. Do you wish upon your friends? Sounds kind of odd now, doesn't it?

What is Romeo never loved Juliet? She'd feel an awful lot like I do. Bitter and wondering if it'll ever feel the same.

Random thoughts for the day

2010-09-16T03:39:00.000-07:00

Bruised and broken, fallen and falling. Keep an ear open for the song of the desperate. It's soft and sweet, it'll get you every time. With a tear in your eye, you'll forget and walk by, wave a hand and say goodnight, with the moon by your side.

Speak without a reference, and feel acceptance. A lost lesson that no one seems to remember. Keep pace, and learn to fall back. Relax, and you'll see how hard you can work it out. Smile, and feel the way it should be. Honest and gentle. Bright and shinning. Keep an eye open for a sign of something beautiful.

She's A Perfect Lie

2010-09-16T03:34:00.000-07:00

She dances like the sweetest melody
She burns like a bitter tragedy
Keeps you fooled with honest eyes
Among the shadows of the deepest lies
But you cry
And won't deny
Her love is your lullaby

A dream, awake, can't quite make
In perfect bliss your hands start to shake
Watching her move, her every gliding move
The moon and you
Watching her voice capture you
But you cry
And you won't deny
You life is in her eyes

Lust, not quite, love, not close
But her heart is what you long for most
By her side, it all seems alright
As the days begin to blend with the nights
But you cry
Every time
You can't deny
She's just a lie

11:12

2010-09-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

Let's take a second to write the advise of where the wind blows. Let it tell it's secrets. Know just when to speak, know when to admit defeat, and know when to rage in victory. Know a smile when it makes one, know a tear when it catches one. We'd all be a little more sane if we thought the same. But we all tell a different story, a different name, face, place, curse, blessing, different confusions, but the wind always knows. Just when to carry you home.

I remember laying on my back staring at the bright blue of the day, the wind spoke my name, kept my fears away. It scattered tiny leaves all over the picnic table, blew smoke in every direction, to keep a distraction. It's like it know if I stopped to think, I'd lose my mind. It was funny how every day that week was the same; bright, sunny, never rain, always the wind to speak my name. It was cold. But welcomed chills caused much needed hugs, more needs for love. More excuses to where a hat that, to me, held all my memories.

I remember that night. As I lay with my mother, brushing her hair as she faded to sleep, finally. It was ever so peaceful. Though that day was when we lost an angel, the air was so peaceful. Perfect, one might say. The wind kept the sorrow away. But when it rained, it was a different day. Like all of heaven cried with us. Though that would comfort some, I'd really wished she wouldn't cry. As I'm sure she wished we wouldn't cry. Maybe I should listen to the wind again, find my way back home. Maybe it can carry her voice to me, though I know; She's never coming home. The clock on the wall has been stuck at 7:30 for years, as I stare to wait to match my tears, just one tick. One click, and life can move one. But that wind doesn't hold me anymore.

But it can't reach my when I'm hiding. I'll meet you again, my friend, as Autumn sets in. For the third time. Without my friend. I'll make it more. I'll see 7:31.

I'll be just fine. With my hat, my sunglasses, my hoodie, my piano, and the wind. That's all I need.

But that piano is another story...another day.

I'm Just A Ghost

2010-09-11T20:04:00.000-07:00

I watched the smoke dancing, twisting around the air. Perfect picture of a tradgic end. It'll fade away, like a ghost in snow. Never seen, never heard, felt and wisked away. I beautiful dance, no one sees, but it's practiced daily. I wish I could move so eliquently, in sweet mourning or a rainy day. But, alas, I sit and watch the smoke, flying away from me, where I should be; Flying away from me.

I'll swollow my love, try hard not to speak, as I walk away from all the sadness I've spent so much time building. So much effort, and I'll just walk away. A morning I've waited for, a mourning I've longed for. Never have I ever wanted to cry as I left all I've known, but I'm ready now. To be a ghost. To vanish into the wind, after one last, beautiful dance, to leave everyone with a lovely memory. A memory of me, the way I used to be. Not this blackhole I have become.

She's got a smile that lights up my world, and I'll give anything, everything, just to hold her. She's got a voice that sings the perfect song, my song, one I've longed to hear. She's got a heart of gold, intentions bold, opinions known. She's strong and knows when to cry, knows when to let go, knows when to hold on. She's my life. And I'm reaching out, to hold nothing in my hands.

Memories

2010-09-01T03:29:00.000-07:00

I'll wrap these sheets in plastic

Keep them safe, it may be drastic

But the sent of you still lays there

With all my memories, still stays there

I'll keep them in this tight locked box

And never forget, so maybe they forgot

I hold you close, upon my chest

Wherever now that you may rest

I'll place this box upon a shelf

Far away, too close to myself

No one sees, no one remembers

But I can always feel her

Struck by moonlight

2010-08-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

It's time like now I think I've got a problem. It's called a fuck it problem. I just....don't....care.

It's when you realize she's never coming home, and you think...why am I still here?
It's when you realize half your life is a lie, and you think...let's go find the truth.
It's when you realize the "let's" never really involved an "us"....and you wonder where all this loneliness came from.
It's when you realize nothing else matters....and that's that. Nothing matters.

I used to wish I could see her face, touch her skin, hold her and never let go. But in thinking this, I've really let you go more than I thought. I never meant to hurt you, but look at me now. I'm a queen of let down. I didn't let anyone down but myself.

It's when you realize, you need to make you happy and no one else.

I walked alone for the first time in over a year. I picked up a rock and held it close to my chest. Why? I don't know. I need to fly. I need to see the lights, the faces, the towns no one has heard of. By my side will be my thought of you. A memory is just a photograph, waiting for a picture frame. All I've done is let the picture get dusty and then I threw it away. I lost a lot of myself that day. A lot that I'll never get back.

It's when you realize who you were, isn't who you are....you need to find a new face.

Growing doesn't have to mean dying but that's all I'm doing here. I sleep, I wake, I eat, I sleep. I'm waiting...for nothing. I'd love to say, "Well not any more! World, here I come!" but I know that's a load of bullshit. I'll sit and do the same thing tomorrow.

It's when you realize, .................nothing at all........that's when you know.

I dream of a pretty smile, one that I'll never see, never hold, never love again. That smile holds my heart, and I refuse to take it back. I'll walk the world aimlessly until I find a place to relax.

It's when you realize...all this time you never wanted to be alone....it's all you ever wanted. To be on your own.

I'll miss you forever, but I'd never want to curse you with this hellish place.

ALWAYS AND FOREVER

Free Falling

2010-08-25T22:16:00.000-07:00

A story unfolds as the rays hit the floor, melting away the tiny drops left by withering stars. Keep your eyes shut, it won't be true, if you're never awake. But the twist has yet to come. Unfolding as you stumble along in a world you don't belong. You never did. Or maybe you just forced yourself to think that way. It's easy to explain what's wrong with the world when it's never your fault.Which, in turn, ... makes it your fault. But I'm just the narrator. Feel free to stop me when you can't feel anymore. When the moon regains it's rightful place in your heart, to bring on the rain. Each night a little colder than the last.

But this is my story. I'll write the ending. You're just a character that I can cut out at any time. "Kill off", if you will. But I could never. Could I? You hold the little pieces of my heart, tightly wrapped in a velvet bag, beneath your pillow. If you're gone, who's there to keep them warm? The breeze would simply carry them away, to the ocean, to the shore. "Nevermore"

There was a boy here before, long before I wrote you in. My story was much different then. The night, it brought on my life, my blood pumped so fast, in the beauty of the shadows. But as the nights faded away, dusk failed to keep her name, the sun stole away, all that I had made. Never again, will I love that way. Not because I can't. Because I won't. I'm happy that way.

But happy is a blind word, is it not? Are you happy? I could write you new line, make it seem like you're alright, but deep inside you'll still cry. I can't change the tears, only their path. And when the ending comes, the finishing touch, I'll lay alone, like how it starts in ever movie, ever book, waiting for the hook that never came. I'll fade away, in vein, into the night sky, into the stars, away from myself.

And that's how it

Always

Ends

Only this time...the light can only flood the floor to drown an empty soul.

Things Have Changed For Me

2010-07-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

But that's ok. I'm changing mentally, emotionally. But I think i need to. I'm so tired of who I am, so bored of what I do. I want to LIVE. Not rot. I'm losing a lot of people, but I guess this is growing up. What can ya do? Keep walking. You'll find your way eventually.

I think I'll start sewing again. Stay to myself until I can get my life together. Then worry about having other people in it. I've always tried to save people....but I've come to realize, all the people in my life that I've tried to save, I haven't done a damn thing for them. Because I can't. They would never listen. And that left me feeling like I was at fault.

I know now I wasn't at all. I just can't save people. I'll stick to making people smile. i seem to be good at that. I'll stick to not trying so hard, and smiling myself.

Things have changed for me, but that's ok, I feel the same, I'm on my way.

Losing Interest

2010-07-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

I'm getting bored with movies. I don't know if it's just me, or if movies just suck lately. I can't keep my attention on a movie. I just get...bored.

I do too much thinking and not enough doing. I want to be a model. The more I think about it, the more I think I'd be good at it...until I look at my face. Then that all changes. Ew. I need to do something about it, but alas, cannot.

I'm getting ansy. Time to do something memorable. I don't know what. But it needs to happen.

Stay tuned.

Important Message

2009-09-24T15:58:00.001-07:00

Forgive me I'm trying to find my calling, I'm calling at night. I don't mean to be a bother, but have you see this girl? She's been running though my dreams. And it's driving me crazy it seems. Gonna ask her to marry me.

Have you..

2009-05-30T13:06:00.001-07:00

ever thought about someone so much that sometimes you forget to breathe? Everything else seems so boring, so black and white, plain, still? Just that one person. That's all you need. That's all you'll ever need, that's all you want. Bottom line:

I love you so much that I can't think of a way to tell you just how much. I can't explain how fantastic you make me feel. But I wish I could. It honestly hurts that I can't share those feeling with you. I want to.

Every second I'm without you I'm a mess...

What If I Could Go To Sleep For Days?

2009-05-01T19:22:00.000-07:00

It would be amazing. I don't know exactly why, but I keep getting super depressed....it sucks ass. All I want to do is lay in bed. And now I can't even do that because the fucking rats made it into my room and were crawling all over my pillow. Yeah, I'm all for animal rights, but I hope the little fuckers die. Soon. They're taking over my life and destroying all of my shit. I'm pissed, I'm tired, I can't call OR text Crystal, nothing.....well, I don't really know where the hell this is supossed to be going, so whatever. I'm done. Fuck life, man. Fuck it. I'm going to lay in the spare room with Max...

Did you ever just want to sleep for a few weeks? I think I'm over medicated. =-(

I'm telling you...Shit is Fucked Up

2009-04-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided, that if there is a "God", he/she hates good people. And loves heartless idiots. Been spending this whole week trying to take care of mum, she can't afford to go to a doctor, her throat hurts so bad she can't eat or drink, but even though she's in so much pain, she STILL went up to Grandpa's and helped him paint his deck AND helped him put together his new lawn furniture. Now she can't even move because her legs and back are killing her. She's probably the most giving person I know and she has the worst luck that I've ever seen.

Yet, Joanna has it MADE right now. I'm not going to rant off about her, I'm tired, shitty mood, and this typing is probably bugging mum who finally fell asleep. I hope she stays asleep.

Dad's out drinking with Uncle Dave. Josh and Jo are out drinking who knows where. They're all feeling pretty damn good right about now. I don't know. I'm done. I have a fucking headache...

I want my texting back...

Sometimes I Think Too Much

2009-04-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

This is not a game
This is not my life
I’m not alone
I can’t be anymore
I just want to breathe
Without the blood here to drown me
This is not my heart
These are not my eyes
Though they scream your name
They’re all full of lies
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know who I’m not
But I know who I want to be
I want to be me
I want to smile and mean it
I want to love me
Even when she’s not around
It’s not a game
And yet I still can’t seem to win

Cobra Style

2009-04-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

Jalaissa and I doing Fangs Up. =-] She's also wearing my sunglasses. This picture makes me smile. Even though I look SUPER dorky. Lol Love it!

Most Likely To Take Down A Plane

2009-03-31T19:13:00.001-07:00

Oh Matt Good. =-]

Note To Self; I Miss You Terribly

2009-03-31T17:01:00.000-07:00

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you I suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could
Learn how to feel
Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel

Let's (Paint) Jam

2009-02-23T18:42:00.000-08:00

This video blows my mind...'Nough said. It's long, but it's worth it!

The Flying Dutchmen

2009-02-23T17:36:00.000-08:00

I went to a Flying Dutchmen show on Sunday and it was by far the MOST amazing time I've ever had at a show. Sad to say it, but they were better than Borealis. It was great. =-] I actually already knew their lead singer, Jon, him and I met when I first started Hells First Angels, he had just started The Flying Dutchmen. I talk to him all the time, but they never played anywhere close enough for me to go. So this was my first time seeing them live. They kicked so much ass it was crazy. I stood right up against the stage, and he sang like right to me more than once and it was super exciting! And he even talked to me between one of their songs when he asked who was seeing them for the first time. He said "Dixie!" And high-fived me. It was super cool.

I hung out with them the whole night. And with Jon's amazing girlfriend. She's SO sweet. She invited me to come hang out with them and have like a barbecue and just chill. Which would be amazing and I'm super SUPER excited about it. They're all so much fun to hang out with. And their live shows are just...fucking amazing. I got them to sign this plastic cup that Jon destroyed during the show. =-] When they get super famous, it'll be worth a million dollars. But I won't sell it. TAKE THAT FANGIRLS!

Random part of the night, Shawn(guitarist) had an iPhone, so I was watching play this game called Jelly Cars? I think that's the name, but it was super funny and he was getting really pissed at it. Then we talked about video games and watched the new trailer for Final Fantasy: Advent Children Complete and it's safe to say that we're both really...really stoked for that movie! Woo!

(Okay, Crystal, I'm done with video games now.)

So pretty much that show was like...my Fall Out Boy show. =-] It was so fucking cool. And so much fun. I can't wait to see them again! I also got a bangin' t-shirt AND a demo CD. ^^

Go check them out if you like screamo! www.myspace.com/flyingdutchmenfl

P.S. Jon is the best hugger EVER. I hugged him like...a million times. And he said he liked my rainbow bracelets so I gave him one that he wore during their set, and he lost it and was super sad, so I gave him another one. =-] Makes me happy he liked them!

These Boots Were Made..

2009-02-19T14:45:00.001-08:00

For me to own! I want them super bad. I love 'em. They are amazing. =-] I saw them on DeviantART and I basicly want to wear them all the time. I have nothing important to blog about, I just really like these shoes. =-] Oh hell yes.

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

2009-02-11T23:01:00.001-08:00

I went from not remembering a thing, to my brain is trying to remember EVERYTHING at the same time. I don't think I could handle that. Luckily, my mind can't sort them out, so it's just a mess of things I can't quite make out. So I still don't remember a thing. And I guess that's okay?

I was talking with my friend Britt this weekend, her grandpa died kind of the same way my Gram did, and we were talking about how hard it was, all the feelings, anger, fear, false hope, all that good stuff. Her Grandpa passed away about five years ago, and while I was reading this poem she wrote for him, I realized that it's not going to get better. Everyone says it does, but just at that moment when I was trying so hard not to cry while reading that poem, thinking I was just being a baby, I looked up and saw that she was just as close to breaking down as I was. Five years. She was telling me how her and her mum were watching these home videos, and she said it was all good until one of them, she saw her grandpa come into the shot and she just ran out of her room and cried for like 20 minutes. She said she just couldn't do it. Could I? I got to thinking...

I want SO bad to remember the things about my grandma that made me love her so much and made her so special, but maybe I'm just not ready to see her. Knowing that I can't have her back. Maybe it's my own fault that I can't remember all those things. My subcontious knows I can't handle it.

Is it so bad that mum and I just aren't ready to forget her yet? I don't want to let her go. Yeah, she's gone, I know that. But that doesn't mean she has to disappear forever. I can still hold onto what she's left behind, right? That's not bad...is it? I mean, Grandpa is just ready to GO. You walk in my grandma's house and almost everything that was hers is just gone. Most of it being down at my house now, because he wanted to sell the shit in a fucking yard sale. I'm sorry if I'm out of line, but those are my memories, my mothers memories, I'm not going to let someone sell them. I know, technically, it's his stuff now, but fuck that. I don't want to forget her. I want to have her with my forever. In some way..any way. You're right, Angie, I'm NOT ready to let her go. Not like that anyway. And if you think I should be over it by now, you're the one who's got the issues.

I feel guilty for how I'm reacting to this. Am I not supposed to want to hold onto her? Am I supposed to just be done with it and move along like nothing happened? 'Cause I can't do it. They can, everyone else can, but mum and I can't. Is something wrong with us? I feel like I'm getting more lost then anything..

On a seperate note; fuck church. I don't care how horrible that may be, but I just don't feel that shit right now. God and I have this beef, and we're not on speaking terms...he started it. I'm supposed to go to church this sunday, on my birthday, with Jalaissa, but I don't know....I'm one step away from going off on that preacher, and then I'll feel bad. Because the other people at Jalaissa's church are super nice. I don't know what to do anymore.

I love you Crystal, and I'm here for you through this whole thing. There's nothing I can do, but I'm here for you. No matter what time, just call. If you need me, I'll be there. I love you.

When The Day Met The Night

2009-02-01T05:12:00.000-08:00

At exactly 7 a.m. I decided to go for a walk. Why? I don't know. I felt super trapped and needed to get the hell out of here. It's freezing outside and it was actually really nice. I took Max with me. He was excited.

Sometimes I miss being a kid. Like a little kid. When going for a walk was just fun, not a way to prevent depression. When I left, everything outside was white. It doesn't snow here, so frost is about as close as we get. I was really happy to see all the white, because it reminded me of New York. I have a lot of really good memories of New York. If you ask me, I'll tell you it sucks and I hate it. Which is true, but I still have good times from back when. Josh and I, the last time I say snow, were standing outside in the bright snow, in shorts and tank-tops, laughing and hacing a good time. Converse are not made for snow, by the way. Or icy hills for that matter. Why were we so under-dressed? Well, on the drive up there, Dad had the heat on so damn high that we were pretty much dragging Florida in mid-summer up there with us. It was fucking hot. So we dressed down and didn't bother to cover when we got into the snow, because the cold felt really good after 18 hours of way-too-damn-hot.

I have a lot of random memories of us being outside, stuff that normal people would be like "Wow that's super boring." But to me it was so much fun and it was some of the best times I've ever had. So why did I stop going outside? Why don't I go for walks anymore? I never even go on my porch now. I'm starting to get my insomnia back, and it sucks ass. So if I go run around outside, my body is just not use to that much movement nad I get super exhausted super fast and pass out for an hour or two when I gt home. Nice, huh? Yeah. But where do I go when I go for walks? From my house, to Grandma's. Only no one's there now. And I can't stop there, I just turn around and head home now. Kind of defeats the purpose of the whole, to stop depression thing.

The whole point of my walk this morning was because I was getting really depressed thinking about..well you can probably guess, so whatever. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I don't want to be home. I'm tired from running with Max out in the huge open field behind Gram's house, I'm cold, I hurt my foot, and I'm going back outside. I just want to keep walking. I'm already back in my PJ's, but I'm going back outside and I'm going to just wonder around until the sun reminds me what being relaxed and happy feels like. It's super cold, the "Florida snow" is gone, I'll run into weird morning people (I hate morning people), I probably won't feel better when I get home, but I'll be tired and in wnough pain to just pass out. Sounds shitty, right? Actually...it sounds fantastic. So I'll leave with this:

Sometimes, I need a reminder what's it's like to go play outside. And regret all those times I told Josh I didn't want to play Hockey.

Let's go for a walk, freeze our ass off, and sing Fall Out Boy way too loud. (I didn't spell check this shit.)

Diamond Eyes

2009-01-31T21:25:00.000-08:00

I really want this eye shadow. It's called Medusa's Make-Up and it's super bright and I super want to wear it. But at six bucks a pop, I could buy food with that. Someday I'll get this eyeshadow and rock it. I want the really bright green, purple, blue,even the pink. And wear them together. It'll be crazy awesome under black light. I can't wait. I also found these eye-lashes that are bright red that glow under black light. But I'm growing out of my fake eyelash phase. They're a pain in the ass and area bitch to thrash dance in. Or Rave in and that's just not gonna work out. But this eyeshadow, I'm totally feeling. I can't wait. Gabe said purple was over, but I still want some purple. Just neon colors.

Is it weird that the only colors I'll really wear are Black or Neon? I'm just not into tan or gray, unless it's a band shirt. Then I'll rock it. So that's about it. I just really want this eye shadow.

Like Orange Juice and Toothpaste

2009-01-27T22:38:00.000-08:00

So this is Jalaissa and I. (YES! I'm short, and VERY pale.) Imagine going to Disney and seeing us walking around together. lol It's pretty funny to see people's reaction to us being friends. We're as different personality wise as we are fashion wise. How do we get along? I'm still not sure. I was thinking about it and this is what I came up with. (For the TONS of people who read my blog. A.K.A Crystal and "some guy named Eric" lol)

Style:

Jalaissa- GAP, American Eagle, Hollasters(gag) Did I even spell those right? I doubt it. lol

Dixie- Hot Topic, Spencer's, stuff she makes, usually black, black, or rainbow(and black)

Life:

Jalaissa- Happy, bright, strong believer in God, knows where her life is going, has tons of friends, tons of talent, has a boyfriend and is happy with him, goes to school.

Dixie- Usually miserable, dark, strong believer in Music as a religion, has no idea where she's headed, but she's not turning around, has like two friends, lack of talent, in love with someone half way across the damn world, not happy being so far away, wants to be a musician.

I'm sure there's a ton more I just don't feel like thinking that hard.

Music:

Jalaissa- Happy, upbeat, no bad language, no "emo", worship, God loving music. (Not gunna lie, Skillet and Blindside rock ass.)

Dixie- Dark, usually depressing, Cobra Starship ('Nough said), usually pretty dirty, usually has the word fuck in it somewhere, a few not so God loving tunes, "emo" (whatever the hell that actually means now-a-days.)

I cuss like no mother fucker knows. I probably shouldn't, but whatever. She would never say a "bad" word in her life. I doubt life everyday, she never does. I don't know if I even want to believe in God, she believes in Him so much it's pretty interesting to listen to her talk. I've thought of suicide tons of times (don't freak, I'm not that stupid.), that thought never even entered her mind and never will. I laugh at scary, gory movies, she doesn't even want to watch them. (kudos for watching Sweeney Todd with me though. She loved it.) She barely wears eyeliner, I wear so much eye make-up I'm pretty sure no one knows what color my eyes actually are. I love hair dye, she is all natural. She's beautiful and confident, I've got troubled thoughts and a self-esteem to match. I don't even remember the last time I thought I looked good. (Just wait til Halloween, Parker, I'm gunna rock a Dr. Benzedrine, bright ass yellow top hat and suite like you wouldn't believe, bitch!)

So there's a lot. But when we're together we always have fun and laugh a lot. How? I don't know. But I wish the rest of the world would take it as a lesson. Different people can love each other no matter what. You don't have an excuse. Reinvent love, people!

Honorable Mention

2009-01-27T20:32:00.000-08:00

FOB is playing a free show down in St. Petersburg and I REALLY want to go like whoa. I mean I'll cry of happiness if I can go. Jalaissa, if you're reading this, we should go. Don't make plans Wednesday and we're going. 8:00 PM. Let's go. PLEASE!!?? I mean, it would make my life oh so much better and happier and would make me almost as happy as I would be if you drove me to Oregon. But that's besides the point. ....No it's not, Jalaissa, let's take a trip to Oregon...or go see Fall Out Boy. I really want to go to that show. This Wednesday. Let's go. I'm serious. Omg. I WANNA GO!!!!

On a side note, Parker is Bitchmade. That's right I said it. Call us back, yo! That's it. I just want to go see Fall Out Boy. Super bad. Jesus.

I Don't Know Much About Classic Cars

2009-01-27T17:06:00.001-08:00

So here's the down low. I want to get some Chucks. Some crazy ones. I want really bright colored ones, like lime green and yellow and purple and bright ass pink or something. And I'm going to draw on them with bright colored Sharpies. And then, yes it keeps going, I'm getting knee-high stripped socks to wear with them. It'll be amazing. I can't wait. I keep seeing all these chucks that are really plain and just...yeah, I want to change that. Crystal one-ups me though, she's getting ones in every color and never where a matching pair. It'll be amazing. I know you're jealous. Mine will just have brightly colored laves and doodles. We're gonna take the fashion industry by storm. people are going to steal our idea and then I'll kick their ass with my brightly colored Chocks. With mis-matched socks. Sound odd? It is. But just wait. It'll be the next big trend once Crystal starts doing it. I mean seriously, how many septum rings have you seen recently? Like a million. She got one before it was cool. I was killin' before killin' was cool.

This picture does not do justice to my idea. But it gets the point across. I'm just really bored.

The New Mrs. Benzedrine!

2009-01-26T18:27:00.000-08:00

She's fucking amazing. No joke.

I got super bored. =-]

I love you Crystal.

Next big thing in the music biz! Watch out!

Before We Exchange Smoke Rings

2009-01-26T16:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm in a typing mood. And I'm a little pissed. I was watching random Panic and FOB videos om YouTube (because apparently I have no life.) and seriously, these chicks are just flippin' a bitch. This chick was like, "I heard from a friend of mine who knows Pete Wentz personally (by the way, how many people say the "know Pete personally"? Like a million. They don't.) and she said that Pete was only into music for the money. I was honestly heart broken." Really? Chick who's name I do not know? Really? You can just listen to their lyrics, which Pete writes, and can tell he puts his whole heart into it. I mean, come on! She went on and on and on. I was like, "Chill out, take a deep breath, go jam to some Fall Out Boy." People don't give Pete enough respect. And you wonder why he has insecurities? Geezz..

To add to my rant, there's this huge group of little teeny-boppers freaking the fuck out about Brendon Urie. I was thinkin' he like...left the band or got a sex change or murdered Ryan, because theses chicks were just flipping. " I use to have so much respect for him and now he's just horrible." Want to know why? "I can't believe he smokes now." ....Really? People, come ON! He probably already smoked! You were just too busy staring at his tight jeans to notice. It's like being pissed that he drinks. Guess what? Ryan drinks, Spence Wentz drinks, Jon drinks. They all drank before they were 21? (gotta love London.) Jon probably smokes too, are you going to hate him? Jesus...Reality check; most of those amazing bands you listen to? They smoke. Yep. Most of them do. Gerard Way chain smokes like no mother fucker knows. Bert does everything you can think of. They're still amazing artists. And so is Brendon Urie. And, your mom probably smokes, so leave it alone.

Call me weird, but I don't care what they do, their music still blows my mind and keeps me breathing. So, to you Mr. Urie: Smoke on, my friend. Whatever makes you happy.

And I'd like to go on record saying, to those who think Pete Wentz doesn't care about anyone but himself? That statement itself pisses me off to the point that I can't think of words to put down. He's one of the MOST talented people in the world (I said it) and he can write it better than you ever felt it. (That was for you Crystal) He inspires me like you wouldn't believe. He makes me feel like I can take over the world if I tried hard enough. He makes me want to try. Honestly, it's because of him that I try so hard to improve my writing. I could only wish to someday write like that guy does. Really, kids, take a good listen to the words and think about them. Instead of labeling him "emo" because you can't understand what he wrote.

Maybe it's just me, but I think he's saved more lives than taken. How could you hate that? It's because of his words and Patrick Stump's voice that your son/daughter is still around. Maybe you should go give them a hug or something.

~Rant over~

In The Wake of Saturday

2009-01-25T20:59:00.000-08:00

So I'm jammin' to some old school FOB and Patrick is super cute. Can that guy get more amazing? I think not. Him and Crystal are going to get married, and I'm gunna be their house keeper so I can chill with them all the time. That kid is amazing.

"Make me like, 80 feet tall, make me s transvestite, but do not forget my obsession with Prince."

"I don't want to mess this car up....actually, throw that out the window right now."

"I've never been here, but I'm going to pretend like I have."

Love it. =-] Almost as much as I love Crystal.

P.S. I miss the Martin and the "h"....

Oh Snap, Son

2009-01-24T16:47:00.000-08:00

WARNING! THIS IS ABOUT HOCKEY!

Alex Ovechkin. He's my effing hero. I swear, that guy is the best. The NHL Skills is on, it's when a bunch of players go show off and have fun. And the best psrt is the trick shots. Last year, Ovechkin stole the show and this year, he did it again. In the middle of his turn, he skated back to Staal, Staal gave him his stick, a straw hat, and sunglasses. It was the funniest thing ever. I love it. That guy is the best. =-]

Okay, Crystal, I'm done with the Hockey. I had to blog that.

Sick And Tired of I Told You So

2009-01-24T13:32:00.001-08:00

Why does he get $2000 for losing the car that he refused to pay for because he needed to by video games? Don't they know he'll just get the car back, lose it from not making his payments, and we'll be right back to square one? Why does this piss me off? Because, guess what was in that $2000? My $250 for my trip to Oregon. I'm going to flip a bitch if they tell me I can't go because they used my money for his fucking car. I swear to God I'll kill someone. I'll walk my ass up there, I don't care. I'm sick of him always getting the easy way out and I'm stuck being bitched at for never going anywhere. What the fuck, Chuck Norris? He'll probably spend it on fucking video games or Hockey gear then call cause he has no food money. Well guess what? No one else does either! He did go get us Wendy's today, that was boss. But still. A burger isn't equal to my plane ticket. I'll fucking explode if that two grand has my money in it...fuck, man.

I'm pissed, in case you didn't notice, I'm a nervous wreck.

I don't want to say "I told you so", but..

Stay Where I Can See You

2009-01-22T16:48:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to the...Live In Chicago CD by Panic at the Disco, and it's amazing. =-] I love it. They sound fantastic, as always. But the difference, Ryan does all the talking to the crowd. It's awesome. =-] He's so adorable. And I realized that Ryan Ross has an accent. I don't know what it is, but he has one. It's super cute, but it's driving me mad! I just can't figure it out. People in Vegas don't have different accents, do they? Brendon doesn't. Neither does Spence Wentz. What the hell is it!? Damn him for being so adorable....wish I had a cute accent. Have you ever listen to him sing Nine In The Afternoon? The way he sings "back". It's nuts. And then when he's talking to the crowd before he sings Behind The Sea he has an accent. AND the way he says Panic at the Disco. Awesome. I don't know why, but I love it. Almost as much as I love Crystal.

You Will Find Me In The World Of Yesterday

2009-01-21T23:42:00.000-08:00

I get in these moods. Where everything just seems so black. Don't get me wrong, I like black, it's the only thing I wear. But.."I want it so bad I'd shoot the sunshine into my veins." I crave the sun, but I can't get out of bed.

People always have memories, whether they are good or bad or even ones you really don't want to remember at all. But lately, I don't remember anything. As I'm sure people are probably sick of me being in a slump over my Grandma, but truth be told: I was a lot closer to her than you think. I mean, I've been helping to take care of her for 7 years. And before that, I spent almost everyday at her house. And spent the night almost every weekend with her when I was little. It always seemed like she'd fully pull through, no matter what the doctors told us. Like it was going to turn out fine. She was a fighter. Always. Stronger than I'll ever be. And I should have seen this coming but I didn't. It happened too fast. They told us that we'd know when the end was coming, but we didn't. It was like, one day, she's doing great, next day, she's in fucking Hospice. (Side note; Hospice was really amazing to us and to Grams, so I have nothing bad to say about them at all.)

The only memories I have start at the very moment mum called to tell me that they were taking her to Hospice. I was home alone, trying to cook dinner for my dad, and I had the worst emotional breakdown of my life. But I still didn't believe it. Then I called to talk to mum a few days later and I got to talk to Grams. It was heartbreaking and I balled like a fucking baby. Hardest I ever cried...ever. But I did get an opportunity that not a lot of people get. I did get to say goodbye (I did NOT say "goodbye". I told her I loved her...that was enough.) and I did get to tell her I loved her one last time. But still....a little bit longer and I'd be fine. (Truth be told, I'm lying.) But I got to thinking. What's worse? Not getting to say goodbye, or watching them slowly die everyday? They both have downs and ups...well, I wouldn't call them "ups", but you get my point. But really, this is not why I meant to post this. This is just my last memory before my mental inbox goes blank.

My point? I have a question. You see, I can't remember my Grandma. At all. Just when she was in Hospice, which really...that wasn't her. I either feel as if it's been a long, long time since she's been gone, or that she was never even there. Anyone else that has lost someone close feel this? Or am I just insane? I want to remember. I want to smile and think about the good times. I know there was so many, but I just cannot remember them. None of them. The last good memory I have was watching a movie with her and sharing a tuna sandwich with her while mum baked cookies. (which ended up being the best chocolate chip cookies I ever tasted in my life.) Why can I remember those cookies so damn well, but I don't remember what Gram thought of the cookies, what we talked about that day, what we talked about at all. But those cookies were fuckin' delicious. Am I a bad person? I want to remember more than those cookies....but it won't come to me. It's like she was only a dream. One of those dreams you know was great, but as soon as you woke up, you forgot the whole thing. I sit around everyday, and do nothing. Up side? My insomnia is taking a break. I guess not sleeping most of last year finally caught up to me. I NEVER can sleep. (Do to some issues I have..long story.) But now I sleep fine. And I really don't dream that much...except for that Brendon and Ryan dream, which was awesome.

I'm going to end this before my heart explodes. One last tid-bit? I sang that Good Charlotte song Thank You Mom to Gram when I got to sit with her alone.

You know, I say I'd love just one more day with her, but I wouldn't. Because I would still miss her just as much, I'd still hurt when she left just as much, no matter how much longer I had with her, and how selfish am I to want her to live in such pain and torture just so I can have her? She did her part....but I can't help but feel like...

(I didn't believe it until...well, I still don't.)

The Piano Knows Something I Don't Know

2009-01-21T20:38:00.000-08:00

This dress blows my mind. I love it and I want it. That's just it. It makes me happy in the pants region. I swear my blogs will makes sense soon.

Exchanging Heat In The Passengers Seat

2009-01-21T14:05:00.001-08:00

Okay. I found this picture and I thought it was crazy. I like how anytime there's a girl in the picture, Ryan looks super uncomfortable. The wind affect is the greatest. And girls wonder why short guys don't mind being short? Look where Brendon's face is. There's your answer ladies. Jon...just likes Brendon a lot. Spencer just looks good.

Mr. Moth Come Quick

2009-01-21T11:20:00.000-08:00

So, I need to post a first blog. So I'm going to ramble about nothing. Or rather, Pete Wentz. Looking bangin' of course. Makes me wonder if it was just THAT cold out, or was he just trying to see how many hoodies he can cram on. Can't go wrong with the Starbucks cup though. =-]

I really have nothing to say, and no one will read this, so you know. Ten bucks to anyone who can find a Clandestine bat on him somewhere.